Nick Dashfield samples the brief highs and terrible lows of Durham’s Craigslist.
For those unfamiliar with the concept of Craigslist, it is a dark, sordid, wonderful site which provides housewives, teenagers, business men, and sexual deviants with the opportunity to post classified adverts.
Whether you’re looking for a used lawnmower or used arse hole Craigslist caters to every want. Here’s a hearty selection of some of the meat on the market in the north east (can be found under the ‘Casual Encounters’ section).
A) This rare beauty stipulates that she’s looking for ‘no strings attached fun’ and that she’s ‘only interested in between 7 and 8 inches’. She doesn’t specify exactly what she means by this so if you are a midget above 42 centimetres in height or own a subway loyalty card you may be in with a shout. Not only does she bear a striking resemblance to absolutely every Durham Diva but she also has a good ‘appetite’ and ‘stamina’ so active dates followed by a buffet are a possibility.
B) In perhaps the least conventional adverts on Craigslist is by a young lady/mouldy hag/ middle aged tramp from Sunderland who is searching for an entire sports team to ‘gobble’. Apparently ‘it’ is willing to travel as far as Brighton and will take the team ‘all at once’, meaning there’s no need to queue. If you see this as your next social or simply want to get a bunch of mates together for a bit of post soccerena relaxation, contact her at DUWRC.
C) Colourful undies- CHECK. Small waist- CHECK. Ass that could swallow a family of five plus pets- CHECK. But the tactical covering of the face means that anything could be lurking there, and you would probably find yourself dealing with Jay-Z in a dress. ‘Kandy’ invites you to ‘’come to my place for some naughty fun’’. Exactly what that fun might be is left to the imagination but a round of COD followed by a shandy and an early night seems unlikely.
D) This lusty young squire has gone to extensive lengths to avoid showing his face. He’s clearly looking to allure the ladies/school children with his pale skin and Tesco value boxers. The tartan duvet has a hallucinogenic effect, drawing targets into striking distance before they realise that they are alone in a darkened room with Gary Glitter. Chances of ending the night in the deep freeze- 8.5/10
E) This is one for the bookies- man, woman, or E.T.? Some might say the lack of breasticles is a giveaway but a quick, traumatic visual foray in the direction of the groin region shows that this specimen is minus a bulge… and a face. Either we are dealing with a conflicted 12 year old or E.T has returned to us and has developed a taste for casual sex and bum fun.