Your Place or Mine?

You scoped them in Lloyds’s, started chatting – chatting turned to dancing, dancing turned to flirting, flirting turned to the “soooo – home?” eyes. But the question is, WHOSE HOME?

For most it seems to be a question of proximity/who can provide the best post-lash food, but you should base your decision on much more than this.                                               

There’s no denying that there’s something very comfortable about one’s own bed, but if one of you have a double, go with that. More room to play (and sleep) is never a bad thing. Being in your own home also means you have access to any ‘essentials’. Whether you consider these to be toothbrush, strawberry-flavoured lube or scarves is up to you.

It is true though that there is something rather exhilarating about going to someone else’s place – maybe it’s the novelty, maybe it’s the change of scenery (maybe I need to get out more?). Whatever the case, entering unknown territory certainly adds that element of adventure.

And of course, if you’re a girl, you have the potential to trophy a hoodie (the clever slutty guy would get himself to Primark and buy a bundle of cheap hoodies for distribution across the term).

In terms of setting the mood, generally speaking the girl’s boudoir, unless they have a teddy bear fetish, will do a better job. Both sexes however should be prepared.

How to set up your room in case of unexpected company?  Make sure it’s clean and tidy (but not overly so – too much suggests neuroticism). Make sure it’s inviting (but not overly so – brothel chic is a bit intimidating). Finally, and most importantly, make sure its empty (no one wants to crash into a bed occupied by a drunken housemate).

Bringing us onto that troublesome issue of the people you live with…Take your conquest back to yours and its likely housemates will get a good look, so if it’s one of those unfortunate nights where the lucky gal/guy is at most a 4/10, go back to theirs.

If, however, you’ve somehow got lucky and procured an 8/10, definitely take them back to yours. Your housemates need to see this fine specimen so you can claim bragging rights for the rest of term.

As well as seeing, there’s the potential of housemates hearing… For the most part, I imagine guys will be more tolerant in this arena, accepting that their housemate has got lucky and letting them get on with it without complaint.

Hell, I’ve heard of boys who w*nk off to their friends’ throes of passion, so if anything you’re doing them a favour by providing them free audio porn. Girls are less likely to be so accepting/creepy, so if you have girl housemates it’d be better to go back to theirs.

You both have female housemates? Try to be polite, and at least keep your cries to acceptable, non-porn star levels. Boys do occasionally like to have to cover the girl’s mouth (probably an ego-boost along the lines of “yeahhh I’m so good, she can’t get enough”), bringing noise control into bedroom play.

If you can’t handle that, at least issue an apology to the housemate in the morning, and buy them a drink for their compliance with the situation (presuming they’ve been good enough not to punctuate your passion with bangs on the wall and cries of “Shut the f*ck up!”).

Hopefully they’ll be forgiving, but don’t take the p*ss and make your night-time sex shows too regular an occurrence. They might get the bright idea of charging people to come listen if you do.

In terms of the morning after, girls often wished they’d gone back to theirs on completion of the Walk of Shame, a journey that’s much more painful in tiny Durham, where bumping into acquaintances is entirely possible.

Guys are more likely to consider it a Stride of Pride, so quite possibly relish in the fact they get to walk home and let all who pass him see a beaming face that says “I just got laid motherf*ckers!” See my article on Morning After Politics for more on this.

So there you have it: a complete guide for the all-important setting of sexual misdemeanours. And you thought it was just a question of seeing who lives closest!