Takeaway to Heaven

It’s cold, it’s dark and puzzlingly you’ve hardly had the time of your life looking as if you’re having some sort of uncontrollable seizure in a poky sweat-box of a club. But never fear weary drunk: salvation is at hand. One doesn’t have to walk too far across our comically small city before encountering one of Durham’s fine late-night eating establishments.

These glistening castles of cholesterol stand as shining beacons in the night; beckoning to the severely inebriated like irresistible sirens promising warmth, nourishment and the opportunity to add a totally new flavour to the now-inevitable rainbow vomit. Not only does a good takeaway provide you with the chance to get that all important 4th/ 5th / 6th meal of the day, but it also – through lining one’s traumatised innards – helps dampen the inevitable hangover from hell in the morning (think slight nausea and merely mild psychological scarring as opposed to full-blown physical and mental devastation).

So, with the importance of these places in mind, here is a brief guide to some of the more well-known eateries that illuminate Durham during the wee hours of the morning.

Subway:
Subways are, quite simply, as ubiquitous as gilets across our fair town. The ingenious strategic positioning of them means that pretty much everyone has stumbled into one at some ungodly hour, demanding the application of ‘more f***ing cheese’ to an already burgeoning super sub. Price-wise, only the sub of the day (which any veteran knows to plump for, regardless of what it actually is) represents any real value, although they also sell depressingly small slices of cheese on toast for 89p. A subway is rarely a filling meal either, but what it lacks in this respect is more than compensated for by the fun of the construction process. It’s like food lego. Drunkenly ordering a man in an apron to stuff every type of salad under the sun into a 6 inch sandwich is oddly entertaining.

Patrick’s Pizza:
Although I’m yet to encounter the elusive ‘Patrick’, the man is clearly a colossus. His gift to Durham is a perpetually popular pizzeria. There is never a discernible queue here, just a thronging melee of fellow students (usually freshers thanks to its location) bellowing their orders at Ali and his crack team of grease-mongers. Once you manage to battle your way to the front, you’re then issued with a small ticket, thus beginning the surreal raffle competition collection process. It’s a draw unlike any other; where first prize is a tasty treat, eventually followed by a pulmonary embolism later in life. Of course for those of you with an all encompassing, Eamon Holmes-esque appetite, there’s always the costly option of a large pizza. One must be careful with this however, as without 100% commitment to the cause a large Patrick’s can inflict hideous indigestion. It’s bad enough getting into bed, turning off the lights and finding the room is now turning at 8000 rpm without discovering your insides are burning too.

Stanton’s:
Due to its incredible proximity to Studio, this fish and chip shop is a perennial favourite of the 2nd and 3rd year Viaduct crowd. Consequently, the good people at Stanton’s are experienced purveyors of batter to the battered and you can be sure of a satisfying meal after a hard night debasing yourself. It may appear as if everyone else is coupling up and having a whale of a time in one of Durham’s fabled pits of sweat and self-loathing, but when you’re the one with a bag of cheesy chips and a panda pop for £1.50 who gives a toss?

Falafel Pizza:
Located opposite Stanton’s, Falafel Pizza is another straight forward Pizzeria. However, what sets it apart from Patrick’s is that it genuinely offers an array of falafel based foods alongside the obligatory kebabs and pizza. So, if a packed Academy or Studio hasn’t provided you with a sufficiently violent experience reminiscent of the West Bank, you can always retire here for that authentic Israeli taste.

Obviously this guide is by no means exhaustive; notable omissions here include Domino’s, Pizza King and Beni’s. Hopefully however, these brief summaries can provide you with some unnecessary inspiration to further abuse your student loans on a night out. So whether you’re heading home alone, with friends, or you’re the type of shameless scoundrel that sees the takeaway as fertile pulling ground, don’t view it as a miserable nadir to your evening’s excursion, view it as its glorious climax.