How To Defeat A Cockblocker
ALEX MANSELL makes sure you won’t be caught out
Cockblocking, or the act of people getting in the way of scoring with the opposite sex, appears in many forms, and is a phenomenon found across all the smoking areas and bars of Durham. To clarify, this guide is designed for both guys and gals. I couldn’t think of a decent female equivalent to the word ‘cockblock’ (suggestions welcome) but it is a problem both sexes have to put up with.
Don’t be fooled, don’t get caught out. Read on to identify the biggest potential cockblocks, and how to avoid them.
1) The ‘Banterous’ Idiots – some people just can’t resist making a spectacle of their mates when they’re on the pull. This person, far from being a wingman, is an active cockblocker. They’ll say things like “I wouldn’t bother, he gave a girl chlamydia last week” or something equally damaging to your chances.
Most often a problem with the males of the species; for the most part girls are less cruel. Saying that, a certain number of my female friends have enjoyed cockblocking me in the past, one relishing in pointing out to a target the love bites I’d managed to keep hidden until that point, in order to drive him away (lucky for me it didn’t work). In this situation, it’s a case of getting yourself out of full on public sight to lessen the chances of being seen by the cockblocker. Booths in Studio, the camper van in Loveshack, the outside benches in Klute, there are plenty of hotspots to choose from.
2) The Threat – there’s nothing worse when you’re sealing the deal with someone you’ve been chatting to all night than when a fine member of your sex comes along. They might be a friend of the target, an acquaintance of yours, even a random, but they suddenly have the capacity to direct attention away from you and onto themselves.
This is one of the trickiest situations to get out of, so the best advice I can give is don’t be intimidated, stand your ground, and give the competition a look that says, in the words of LMFAO, “I’m Sexy and I Know It”. If they don’t get the hint, you might have to resort to making them feel awkward by creating an atmosphere that’s more intimate than they’d feel comfortable with. If you’re drunk/bold enough, slip a hand on the target’s knee. That should make them f*ck off.
3) Sh*t Craic – sometimes we have the capacity to cockblock ourselves. It might be one of those nights where you can’t make think of anything remotely interesting/witty/funny to say, or it might be that the target themselves doesn’t have any banter.
If it’s the latter, and the target is just something of a lost cause when it comes to conversation, but still fit enough to get with, you might as well take your chances and go in for the kill fairly early on in the conversation. If they reciprocate, win. If they don’t and it becomes awkward, you’ve made a perfectly viable way to get out of having to continue talking to them, win.
4) The Group of Friends – For guys this generally entails lads on a ‘boys night out’ where all they want to do is down pints and be rowdy. For girls it’s more like a ‘girlie night’ where they want to drink cocktails and dance together, no boys invited.
Both are problematic as they potentially compromise your or the target’s relationships with their bezzies, but it’s just a case of letting your friends know you’re onto something good (cheeky text) and shouldn’t be disturbed. This is all in the hope that your mates will be sympathetic in your desire to get some, of course, and that they’ll allow you to get on with it. Obviously they have a right to be angry if every time you go out you’re trying to get laid, at a cost of spending time with them (but frankly that in itself is a bit pathetic, so don’t be one of those people).
5) Drunkenness – An easy step on the road to cockblocking yourself is being too drunk – no one wants to take someone home when there’s a 50/50 chance they might vom on their pillow.
Equally the girl that falls over or the guy that’s leaning his whole weight on you to stand is just not an attractive prospect, so if you can feel yourself getting into a state where you’re diminishing your chances of pulling, put the Quaddie down and make your next drink a water. Why they don’t mention that on Alcohol Awareness posters I don’t know.
So there you have it. I’m hoping by paying attention to the potential cockblocks around you’ll have increased your chances of pulling tonight by at least 20%, maybe even 30. You are welcome.