A Message For Club Undesirables

ALEX MANSELL writes an open letter to everyone she hates

Alex Mansell Club

You know the deal. You go on a night out only to be surrounded by a whole host of creatures that make you want to hurt someone. So here’s a message to all the night club undesirables out there that piss the rest of us off; if you recognise yourself on this list, I suggest you take note.

Dear Undesirables,

1) Totally hot but unattainable guy

You’re strutting around Academy with a semi-pout on your face, acting all laddy with your mates, spouting ‘banter’ with supreme confidence like there’s no tomorrow. Yes, you may be pretty, but you quite clearly know it, and this gives you the deluded idea you rule the club. This attitude decreases your market value. You’re not as hot as you think you are. Get over your ridiculous ego or f*ck off.

2) Emotional mess in the toilet

I don’t know if I’ve got one of those faces that give out sympathy vibes, but the crying girl in the toilet always seems to expect me to solve her life problems. I really think I should start charging for the number of hours I’ve spent convincing a girl who’s had too many Sambucas that everything’s fine. No, I don’t know why he’s had sex with you and not got in touch; yes, she was a bitch to do that; no you shouldn’t delete him off Facebook – I’M TELLING YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

3) Couple frenziedly getting it on

Yes, we get it, you’re lust’s young dream and you’re having the time of your life, but really, if you’re having that much fun, take it behind closed doors. Especially if it’s got to the point where one is straddling the other or hands are heading covertly southwards. You’re making the rest of us feel sick with all that tongue twisting. Not to mention sick with jealousy over the fact it’s not us getting any action.

4) Slutty girl grinding a pole

So many girls appear to have missed the memo that they are in a nightclub. Not a strip club, not a porn shoot, a nightclub. I’m all for dancing with confidence and having a good time but is there really any need to grind the nearest pole/girlfriend’s leg to muster any attention you can from the nearest boy? Normally accompanied with a self-satisfied smile and the constant f*cking whipping of your hair, you just scream desperation. Sure, dancing is the vertical version of sex, but that doesn’t mean it has to be as graphic as the act itself; we can still retain some class on the dance floor, people!

5) Old guys who need a hobby

For so many older men (always men), lingering on the edge of the dance floor of Lloyds with a creepy smile on your face seems to be an ideal way to spend a night. Seriously, go smoke, dance, socialise, talk to your friends (assuming you have them) – anything is better than standing in catatonic fashion getting your kicks watching girls you could never get with writhe.

6) New best friend in the smoking area

You go out for a casual cigarette or breath of fresh (ish) air, and before you know it, you’ve been accosted by one of those smoking area ‘talkers’. They tend to chat in a way they think is edifying and philosophical, but is actually just drunken drivel. Maybe they’ve asked you for a lighter, maybe you’ve awkwardly met before through mutual friends, maybe they’ve started to attempt flirting, but either way you’ve now got a new BFF. The worst thing about this situation is it’s tricky to escape, and it’s so hard to subtly look around for an escape route. If you think this might be you (and unless you’re suitably hot), do us a favour and don’t keep us hostage for half an hour.

7) Circle of boys who just don’t get it

A group of boys surround a group of girls in Klute, all looking to take what they can get. Your cause would be much more sincere if you all at least targeted one girl each in the group. All hedging your bets and grinding on every girl in the circle until one is desperate enough to relinquish their drunken selves to your grasp is not cool. Trying to land the pull is a noble art-form – don’t degrade it by hunting in a pack and going for anything that comes your way.

Hope you all get the message.


Alex Mansell, on behalf of all disgruntled club-goers.

Do you have a response for Alex? Comment below…