Lyrically Challenged

With fear and loathing, SIAN DOLDING takes a look at the lyrics the kids are listening to these days…

music N-Dubz

As I embarked on the long car journey back to Durham last weekend, in the wild rush to leave the house I completely forgot to pack anything to listen to music-wise, nightmare. So, I reluctantly threw myself at the mercy of the radio and, well, to say I was unimpressed would be an understatement. There is some awful, awful music out there right now, but what was most offensive was the laziness behind the lyrics I was subjected to. So I started thinking about the worst lyrics I’ve heard of late. Here’s a rundown of the best of the worst:

1. One Direction- What Makes You Beautiful

“The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell
You don't know you're beautiful”

Is it just me or does the girl One Direction is lusting after sound like a deranged simpleton. She’s flipping her hair about and smiling at the ground? Well, she’s definitely a keeper then. I mean, I’m not a diehard fan of these young whippersnappers but surely they can raise their standards a little?

2. Rihanna- Only Girl in the World

“I want you to love me like I’m a hot guy/ride/pie”

After searching the lyrics for this song I’ve narrowed it down to these three items. Rihanna, like One Direction, must raise her standards; she’s advertising her desire to be loved like she’s a man, a vehicle or a pasty.

3. Olly Murs ft. Rizzle Kicks- Heart Skips a Beat

“Vibes keep going up and down like a see-saw
Should have just taken her to the cinema to see saw”

Seriously? This is just so awful, when I heard it I almost felt sorry for Olly Murs.

4. Katy Perry- Firework

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

This whole song is full of schmaltzy lacklustre inspirational lyrics which paradoxically make me want to top myself. X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent must have gone nuts when this first came out, they need never find another motivational song to blare out as their most socially stunted contestants take to the stage, against all the odds. I just feel sorry for plastic bags; no one wants to be Katy Perry’s metaphor for a no-hoper.

5. Jason Derulo- Don’t Wanna Go Home

Check that out, what they playin'?
That's my song, that's my song.”

This is possibly the most painfully egotistical opening for a song ever. You should be ashamed of yourself, Jason.

6. The Saturdays- All Fired Up

“All fired up (I feel alive)
All fired up (I feel alive)
All fired up (I feel alive, I feel alive, I feel alive)
We make the party super naughty
Dancing on the bar
We're dancing on the bar”

They’ve got to be f*cking with us now, surely?

7. N-DUBZ- Sex

“I don’t mean to be pushy pushy, I’m just in it for the pussy pussy”/”Fuck all the kissing and cuddling, why don't you grab my balls and try juggling”

Oh Dappy, you and your honeyed words. This is truly a lyrically and visually arresting song; you must watch the video.

But I think the best bad lyric of the week has to go to Ed Sheeran’s “You Need me I don’t Need You” with the line: “They say I’m up and coming like I’m f*cking in an elevator”. Brilliant.