Freshers’ Guide II: Pinch Those Pennies

In these times of Dickensian austerity where prices are rising, wages are stagnating, your mum has to shop Lidl, your dad has to settle for a lower grade of hooker and you had to forsake a gap year (yes, despite what your mum says, everyone can tell), it is only right that the ‘freeloading scum’, as students are so affectionately referred to by the archetypal mouth-breather on the street, should be looking for ways to pinch the pennies. Consequently, here is part two of the freshers’ guide: How to save on the student essentials.

1. FOOD. Most of you will be in catered accommodation so conventional mealtimes won’t be a problem (except for the unfortunate certainty that college nosh is execrable). If, however, you’re a fresher and you are self-catered then that’s the least of your worries as you’re probably on the Hill.

On the stagger home though, all freshers are in the same boat. Most are desperate for some food but don’t want to wake up with an empty wallet the next morning. There is a simple solution: downsize your tastes! If cheesy chips are your cuisine of choice, just order chips. It’s no great loss; you’re most likely going to spew them up on a war memorial anyway.

2. CLOTHING. H&M or Topman too pricey these days? Do you think that Matalan/Primark are for people who can’t read (at least without moving their lips)? What on earth can you young pseudo-academics do?

Two options here: One is stash, stash and more stash. Join as many (free) societies as possible and some will give you clothes for nothing! This will usually only cover your tracksuited needs though, and people will think you’re a turd. Your other sartorial requirements will have to be covered by Durham’s burgeoning charity shops. Sure, the chances are somebody’s died or committed a crime in the clothes but if that’s not vintage attire, what the bleeding heck is?

3. BOOZE. This is probably the most utilised outlet for your scant disposable income (especially during the t*sser convention that is freshers’ fortnight). And hooch is impacting your wallet more than ever. Indeed, these days you might have to pay more than 2 quid a pint! Times are obviously hard, and students need to stretch their loans.

Minesweeping will solve your problems. For the less worldly reader, minesweeping is the practice of scrounging the half empty drinks left at the side of pubs and clubs. It’s a great way of trying new exotic drinks (WKD and Guinness is delightful). It doesn’t just save money; it stops your expenditure all together. Some girls will try and tell you that minesweeping is a foolhardy practice that plays into the hands of drooling drink-spikers. They are just flattering themselves.