February The Bore-teenth

WILLIAM SUMMERLIN questions the worth of Valentine’s Day

bore capone durham Valentines Day

It is Valentine’s Day that is perhaps the most ridiculous of all the holidays (not that we get any time off for it). This is because whereas most other days of note are generally enjoyed by society, Valentine’s Day is detested by almost (and note the almost) all and sundry. And it’s not just lonely people whose idea of a Friday night in is a pot noodle, a w*nk and then various failed suicide attempts who don’t enjoy Valentine’s Day (although I imagine sales of rope and Google searches for ‘how to tie a noose’ do spike in early February), it is also largely disdained by people who haven’t had to sign some sort of register in their time. Days like Christmas and New Year are for most, something to vaguely look forward to and while they may result in ultimate acrimony people do set out with the aim of enjoying themselves. I don’t think this is true for February 14th

The people that have it hardest are single girls. It is this day where their judgement and value systems seem to be completely turned on their head. So acute is the pressure to find a chap that they become delusional, to the extent that the following exchange might take place the morning of Feb 15th:

Girl A: So, I heard you got a snog last night!

Girl B: Maybe…

Girl A: What’s he like? Do you see a future?

Girl B: I think so yeah. He had flecks of vomit around his mouth when we kissed and I think he may have got his penis out on the dance floor but yeah, I really really like him…

Single guys only have it marginally better. While they don’t feel the need to find someone on Feb 14th, they tend to go out with other single guys and get so drunk that they vomit and get their penises out on the dance floor.

You’ve got to feel for guys in a relationship though. For some reason they are forced to have some sort of creative instinct on February 14th. And I don’t mean creative instinct in the way that Al Capone demonstrated when he woke up on Valentine’s Day 1929 feeling a bit ‘fighty’. No, for once they have to work for those three minutes of gratification that they get every other day of the year for merely turning up. They spiral into misery trying to remember a single conversation with their partner which might prove fruitful in this search for a ‘thoughtful’ gift, then ultimately give up and decide on a box of Quality Street and a bottle of reduced price cava, or, if feeling particularly bullish, lingerie.

It is the girls in a relationship who are the only ones who like Valentine’s Day. For this sacred day they have an excuse to be high maintenance. It is for once official that they are more important than the poor chap they have in tow. They spend some smug time with their single friends during the day before they can indulge in an evening of attention, dick and shoes.

The whole thing makes me come over all Al Capone…