Wanking Notice – St Andrews Uni
St Andrews students have been told to stop masturbating in the library. Students are divided about the intervention.
Students have found a notice in the boy’s toilets of the library warning them not to pleasure themselves in a public place.
The notice, reminded students that “masturbation in the library toilet is a violation of the University of St Andrews Library Regulations.”
The sign explained that the “excessive amount of semen stains on the floor cost [sic] thousands of pounds to be removed professionally,” advising students to “go home and masturbate if (they) are bored.”
Some undergraduates were horrified at the tone of the letter and complained that this was a private matter beyond the realms of university interest.
Others have leapt to the universities defense and called the behaviour sickening.
One third year netballer who prefers not to be named told The One that "this guy that sits next to me regularly stinks of cum and I cant take it anymore. I have had my desk for 2 years now and he forced me to move".
Another group of students cant quite believe the hype and claim this is all a massive conspiracy. The St Andrews Trotskyite Alliance Movement have called all students to "rise up and defy the ban" adding that "students can only truly realise their freedom through rebellion"
Humpfrey Chatterworth the Third Dude of Fifedom, leader of the Saint Andrew's Conservatives for Capitalist Society dismissed the claims as "a massive load of left wing culture crap" adding "they think everything is a fucking conspiracy including their own existence".