Doorstep Defecator Strikes in Leeds

When you open your door in the morning to embrace the new day, you are entitled to expect a gentle and sobering breeze or perhaps a glass milk bottle tucked by your door. Unfortunately for students of Leeds University, some are having to add a coiled turd to that list after a wave of complaints have flooded in about a mystery figure taking a dump on their doorsteps at night. Branded the ‘poopertrator’ by the Leeds student newspaper, this deuce bandit has apparently been laying some brown carpet right under residents’ noses as they sleep at night.

One such victim, Leeds University Linguistics student, Genevieve Osborne-James, reportedly came across the excrement as she was leaving her house in the morning. “You could see where the person had relieved themselves against the wall beforehand and there were scraps of newspaper around, which had obviously been used as toilet paper.” At least the villain had the decency to wipe his own arse, David Cameron’s Big Society is at least a hygienic one. Albeit with a confused way of showing it.

The local police force have been following through with complaints but there is no sign of the crap count dropping off any time soon. According to sources at Leeds University, the vile act has turned into a serial trend, taking on some form of ritualistic facade with members of the gang seeing it as a way of crowning off a night out.

It was originally proposed the faeces may have been the product of a small woodland creature, such as a fox, but freelance expert Will Beaving confirmed the darkest fears. “Judging from the taste and a brief inspection of the layout, I can conclude this was the work of a human. Admittedly one with moderate dietary issues” he reported.

There has been no evidence as of yet of a copycat operating in Durham but experts have commented that the city could be the Number 2 destination, as the gradient of some student houses offers a favourable angle for would-be poopertrators.

But if you’re planning on firing off the cannon anywhere near Durham doorsteps then plan again is the stern message from DSU Education and Welfare Officer, Scott Parker. “It isn’t big, it isn’t clever and it most certainly isn’t Durham. We haven’t had any reports here at the DSU and long may that continue. Quite frankly, it’s vile.”