Are you taking the M.I.C?

Made in Chelsea – are you taking the MIC?

made in chelsea

Made in Chelsea, the latest concoction to be fired headfirst out E4’s tight leathery anus, is the hideous bastard child of London’s infamous King’s Road and television producers with the creativity and imagination of a Hounslow janitor.

You may have encountered a Sloane Ranger, the larger-than-life caricature the program looks to ridicule, snorting bull tranquilizers in the bathrooms of Castle Leazes, fornicating wildly in the aisles of Harrods or, dare I say, on our very own fair streets clad in wayfarers and a hoodie with “Jagerbombs and Off Piste” stamped proudly on the back like cattle brands at a Farmer’s Market.

Either way, as an answer to the charmingly common ‘The Only Way is Essex’, E4 has taken every Sloane stereotype and crammed it into their personal Frankenstein’s Monster. The beast can then be wheeled out to the delight of the channel’s bovine audience so they can point and bleat at this ridiculous, inhuman poshness.

That’s all well and good, but the problem is the cast are about as interesting as dialect between the Chucklebrothers. Take Spencer, who looks like a deceptive vole you would meet in Narnia. One minute you’re having tea in his tree house and the next, BAM, you wake up slumped in the White Witch’s sled with a sore arse and her dwarf sidekick standing over you with the grin of a Cheshire cat. See how much Turkish delight it takes to erase that memory.

I digress, Spencer’s problem is he’s a bit too normal, well aside from that permanently inquisitive look he wears making him a doppelganger for the footballer Deco. His main dilemma in the first episode was whether to attend an old flame’s concert, for heaven’s sake man you’re from Chelsea; punch a hooker, bosh some gack. You square.

But wait, surely Ollie can be of some interest. After all he’s so effeminate that if you kicked him in the balls, which trust me is highly tempting, his pelvis would swallow your foot like a denim Black Hole. As you read this, Geordie professional pintlifters sit motionless in their conservatories, desperately groping their Newcastle Brown Ale, who have soiled themselves in protest to this girlish abomination.

The producers have flung any notion of subtlety with character portrayal out the window and grabbed his scrotum, shoving it directly in front of our eyeballs and screaming, “Look, look he straightens his ball hairs, what kind of self-respecting member of the male sex would do such a thing!” What do you want from us you fascists? To round up a posse and burn down his house?

But wait, there’s a twist. This preening, cooing temple to effeminacy has a girlfriend. Wow, bet you didn’t see that one coming.

I’m afraid the others just sort of melt into a grayish background, occasionally squawking one of the show’s catchphrases like, ‘yah’, ‘totes’ or my favourite, ‘let’s get out of these wet suits and into a dry martini’. The last being an incantation from the show’s very own Nordic God of Arseholeness, Frederick.

The blonde- or alternatively Elrond’s gay younger brother, the real lord of the rings -also shares a painfully uncomfortable friendship with failed human, Francis Boulle. Each of their meetings appear like two foreign students who have been made to go on a play-date together by their parents to stop them from wanking on chat roulette in their free time. Just more awkward.

The whiff of fabrication doesn’t end here, it recently emerged that the first episode’s nightclub scene in Raffles was entirely staged, being shot in the day and using extras. Looking at other scenes, such as Spencer’s … well, all of Spencer’s scenes, you have to ask how much liberty E4 has taken with their disclaimer that ‘some scenes have been created for your entertainment’.

But who by? What creature of earth is capable of birthing this monstrosity. My money’s on Kim Jong-Il, he’s kidnapped the cast and built his own set in North Korea, writing the script himself from Korean audio guides to London and reruns of Jeeves and Wooster. That or our television is officially ranked below Bravo.