Enjoyed and ones to avoid – Which is the best Dundee hall?

The air is as dank as my kush


You’ll hear a lot about halls in Dundee, their benefits, their shortfalls and some outright rumours. Trouble is you’ll hear it all after you’ve made your choice, going solely on what the university tells you (like you care how many people are in each building or the number of fridges you’ll have).

Fortunately, here’s the completely relevant, non-biased review of Dundee Halls of Residence that every future fresher needs.

Westpark – ‘Jesus, this air is as dank as my kush’

Westparkers tend to be forgotten so far away in their lonely outpost, overlooking a graveyard on the outskirts of the city. Don’t buy into the cliché though, Westpark is a hotbox of drunken revelry between its backwards population. It’s the isolation, it gets to you.

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Advantages of these halls include the communal pet cat “Bandit” who likes being fed and petted, like most Westpark residents come to think of it, and a common room kitted out with a sofa, TV and a state of the art fooseball table that was used once in 2008.

Don’t let the double bed fool you. Nobody you pick up on your night out wants to make the arduous journey back with you, unless maybe the union bus is running.

Heathfield – ‘You want a helicopter burger? I can hook you up’

Heathfield is the classy epicenter of culture, sophisticated pre drinking and responsible alcohol consumption. None of that is true – but Heathfield is 100 yards from the union and has rather lovely shrubbery that seems popular among resident students for the occasional drunken power-nap.

Well within walking distance to both Marco Polo takeaway (do I want my pizza deep-fried? Don’t ask stupid questions) and the legendary 24-Hour Bakery.

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Be wary through, being so close to everything has its downsides. Besides having to sell a kidney to cover the rent, you will inevitably get your Westpark friends (if you meet any normal Westparkers) drunkenly but insistently demanding to stay on your couch/bed after a night out.

This lovely pair told us: “I let him stay one night in freshers and he hasn’t left since.”

Seabraes – ‘My flatmate mopped the carpet and now the lounge smells of arse’

Just down the street named Rosangle, lies Seabraes Halls. There is no sense of community like that of Seabraes Penitentiary. With all the huddling for warmth and fist-fighting for cigarettes you’re sure to form some life-long friendships with your flatmates.

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The view includes a disused beer-garden and the notorious boarded up ‘Murder House’. Pleasant… you know, if double homicide is your thing.

Being just across the road from campus, the walk is relatively hangover-friendly, not to mention close enough that your friends can scrape you up off the union floor after one vodka too many and put you to bed but still make it back to enjoy the rest of their Tuesday night. NB this is not a joke.

Belmont – ‘I wanted to be a BNOC, but I live in Belmont’

For want of a better description, Belmont is like Heathfield’s ratchet sister. Not much is known about this reclusive bunch. There was a rumour of pres there one time back in 2011 but this remains unconfirmed.

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Located on campus, literally overlooking the union, a spontaneous night out is always on the cards. If you’re on the pull, cringe-worthy awkward small talk need only last the minute and a half walk from the union doors to your Belmont Bachelor(ette) pad. Oh and it’s , er, really near the library, so you can like, study and stuff.

“Belmont Tower? I don’t know what that is.”