Breakfast of champions: A girl’s guide to eating women out

Look, there isn’t actually a step by step guide to giving mind blowing oral sex. Let's just get that straight. But a little guidance never hurt anyone, right?

Oral is not a one-size-fits all situation, nor is it the be-all-end-all of sex and life, but the least I can do in this very fleeting life time is help you make a girl come. And I’ll try to refrain from emphasising how much of a sex goddess I am while I do so. Emphasis on "try".

First, locate the erogenous zones

These could be anything from the ears to the inside of the elbow, the inner thighs and the small of her back. Just because it doesn’t have a label on it saying “I am a vagina”, doesn’t mean it should be ignored.

Stimulating erogenous zones other than the clit state clearly that you’re down to get dirty, but that you also know what you’re doing. There’s nothing like being a clueless wasteman to kill the mood so it may help to do some light research before hand, or even better – ask her what she’s into, what she’s willing to try and what is a definite no.

Next, activate the erogenous zones

Start with a gentle caress (sounds cheesy but works wonders) within your erogenous zone of choice, starting light and slowly but surely building up the intensity. A nibble of the ears or a kiss at the nape of the neck will allow you to see how she responds to your movements give you an idea of how she likes her sexy time.

This will turn on both of you like crazy and in no time at all, she’ll be dripping like a wet tea towel your mother just used to dry the dishes.

Moving on to the pussy, or whatever you chose to name your lady parts

I can’t stress this enough: every single girl is different. Respect that, and she’ll respect you even if she doesn’t climax. You don’t want to dive in there and go off parting the sea like Moses. Take it slow, enjoy yourself, make sure she’s relaxed and ready and enjoying herself as well (trust me, if she’s ready, you’ll know).

Test drive out the basics to see what she’s responsive to. These include tracing the alphabet with your tongue, up and down, side to side and circular motions. If she works well with a lighter touch, then keep it light. Don’t go whacking that clit because a) it’s not your punching bag and b) that’s just going to hurt her. If she’s easy to please then you’re in for a steady ride. Keep the movements basic and remember: “just like that, baby” doesn’t mean go faster.

No one pussy is the same

Some need a little more love than others. Now for these ladies, climaxing may be hard for some of them, maybe they’ve never climaxed before or maybe they just haven’t experienced great oral. Either way, there are some tricks that you can execute to make her experience more pleasurable. These type of clits can take a little extra beating, but don’t get too carried away.

The vacuum motion with your tongue and lips is a classic trick and from my experience, works pretty damn well. You can also stimulate the g-spot by slipping in a finger (maybe two if you’re feeling brave, oh go on then, just stick your whole fist in if she’s up for it). Stimulate the g-spot by enacting a ‘come here’ motion with your finger, or from a side view, it looks kind of like a worm.

Consider offering her your fingers afterwards for you to both share, like a 1960’s milkshake with two straws, in some cheap American diner where desegregation hasn’t been enforced yet. Get creative with your mouth and hands, and if her body language suggests that she’s enjoying herself, then go forth and conquer.

During oral, be aware of body language

Body language is super important when getting physically intimate with anyone. You both want to be enjoying yourselves and you can tell if she’s down to get down by the way in which she responds to your actions. Good signs include hair pulling (in a sexy way not in a “get out from between my legs” kind of way), some minor body convulsions and the classic porn star moan.

Also, bear in mind that she may be a quiet one when it comes to sex noises, so verbal communication is key. If your girl is literally telling you what feels good and what doesn’t, process the request and make it your mission to stand and deliver.

Finally, the climax

I bet you kids were expecting some kind revelation but really there isn’t much to it. An orgasm is an orgasm. Tailor the way you treat her, to her specific needs, quirks and fetishes and you’ll guarantee a good time, even if she doesn’t climax.

That being said, an orgasm isn’t the only way to end sex, nor is it a reflection of how good you are in bed. Women and men are different in the sense that we don’t always have to finish and while that may be disappointing for some people, it’s also completely okay and no ones fault.

Orgasms come in all different shapes and sizes and there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to giving your girl great oral sex. It's just you, her and whatever you both feel comfortable with and are into.