Boomerangs, bad chat and basic bios: a Cov boy’s guide to Tinder

Some of you really need this

We're at uni, we're having fun, and for us singletons Tinder seems like a great idea. However, having stumbled upon some questionable photos and bios, and even more questionable men, I can confirm that there are some definite things that you should not do when trying to chirpse in the lovely Cov.

There is a way to go about it depending on what you're looking for. Let's be honest, "get in my bed" isn't quite winning me over. You gotta be a smooth criminal with this one, whatever your intentions are. Let me talk you through it.

Make it clear which one is you in your pics

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Very clear and efficient, good work Jacob

Trust me I don't wanna be going through all your pics in the Kasbah smoking area just to figure out which one is you. I have too many deadlines to waste my time painfully messaging you that dreaded question: "Are you the one on the left?".

Newsflash: 99 per cent of the time it's not and now you're just left wondering what his hot friend's Insta is. Why would you even put up a pic where the other person is considerably fitter than you? Are you a fool?

Not all your pics need to be you on a night out

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Mixing it up with different coloured lights, oo jazzy

We get it, you're an enthusiastic Colly Monday kinda guy, but I got that vibe from the first, second, and third pic. Do yourself a favour and add some variety that isn't just switching it up with a squad pic instead.

Cool – you like nights out, but I don't wanna be dating someone more in love with Kasbah than with me. Also, despite what you think, I can probably out drink you too.

Deffo state whether you're at Cov or Warwick uni

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Perfect and clear, you've nailed it James!

Let's face it, the rivalry is blood deep and it's tough when your mates start bantering on about how you're talking to a Warwick student. From the get go we need to know your proximity, cause I cba to travel far to see you – the bus to Leam is long and I'm too lazy to walk to the train station.

In all honesty, I don't mind if you're at Warwick but don't start with any of the "we're better than you" chat or it's gonna be an unmatch coming your way.

A good first date is always spoons

Look, I met you on Tinder, I'm not expecting The Botanist for a first date. I'm a simple gal, I don't ask for much. Plus, with spoons I know exactly what I'm having before I've even got there and there's no awkward "who's paying?" when you can order straight from the app.

The atmosphere in the Earl of Mercia is always popping and baring in mind we are both students, it's a cheap way to bond over the fact we both aren't making our 9am tomorrow. Another pitcher please, barkeep.

No we don't need a boomerang of you in the gym

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To be fair he looks like he can probably bench me and I don't hate that

It's great that you're passionate about being an absolute machine that goes to the gym six times a week, it really is, love that for you.

However, I really don't need to see you shirtless, flexing as you lift that 10kg weight up. I'm not that impressed. Hate to break it to you but it's a definite swipe left.

Don't ask to meet up in clubs (unless you're after one thing, then it's fine)

No actually, I don't fancy meeting you on Tuesday in JJ's when I'm stupidly drunk and probably ruining my life again. Unless you're simply after a bit of fun, then go ahead and try your luck.

The drinks are flowing, the small crowded dance floor means that me and you are getting awfully close and, well, you know where this is going.

Be straight forward with what you want

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Understood that one loud and clear for sure

Don't waste my time please, I'm a busy student. Let's face it, I could be necking a fuckboy in Empire but instead I'm being lead on, for days, by your average to shit chat, all for your entertainment.

When I ask you what you want, just be honest and then we're both happy. It's 2019 and we both know why you're slipping the wink emoji into every message.