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These are the six types of Uber driver you’ll meet in Cov

Five stars even if we’re silent the whole time? Of course


Late night? Can’t be bothered to walk? Or day time? Still can't be bothered to walk? Let's be honest, we will call an Uber without any reasoning whatsoever. We're students, we're lazy – it's well known.

That being said, surviving a Coventry Uber drivers deserves a goddamn award. You never know who you're gonna get. You've lived in Coventry long enough now that, much to the demise of your bank account, you've had many memorable encounters with Coventry's finest taxi men. Here are all the types of Uber driver that you'll have encountered over your time in Cov.

The one who lets you use the AUX

The best type of Uber driver is obviously ‘The DJ’. They say those three little words and suddenly you actually might know what real love is: “are you connected?”. You bet your arse I’m connected, otherwise I’m throwing away the whole damn phone. My pre-pre’s better not be disturbed by ‘bad connection’. If you're lucky, sometimes they even sing Drake with you.

5 stars for you, mate. You're one of the good ones.

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One very satisfied customer

The one who tries too hard

Now this is the type of guy that is so far up your arse, you won’t even be able to tell where you end, and he begins. You’re waiting for your driver and he calls you in his most hopeful tone. Maybe it's because you're already drunk, or you've just had a shit shift at work, but you can’t reciprocate his happiness.

When you eventually find the car, he plasters on biggest, fakest smile and beckons you in. You hope to have a smooth ride but there is nothing stopping them from complimenting you or asking you about your night every 2 minutes.

“Oh you go Coventry University? That’s cool, I studied once”, or “Late night huh? Well you don’t look too drunk” or the most popular one, “You sound posh, are you from London?”. Will you DESIST please Uber driver!

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I'm an extrovert but this is too much for me

The one who regrets being an Uber Driver

These drivers cannot stand your presence and your mates aren’t helping the situation. We all tend to be a bit rowdier in the car when we're pissed and on our way to Kasbah. I mean sure, I shouldn’t be shouting at my friend who’s sat right next to me or passing them my burger in the backseat, but I promise you Mr. Uber Driver I have the best intentions.

As you all fumble in the car, the look of despair and hate in this guy's face makes you want to at least make him smile (because drunk you is nothing but self obsessed and desperate for affection). Unfortunately for you and him both, he doesn’t give a fuck and your attempts to make him smile just make him hate the situation more. This one cannot be saved.

The one who is a legend

Now there are two ways this could unfold, either the driver won’t shut up about his ex-wife and three children or he’s a mf pimp!

If you tend to talk a lot in Ubers you will have encountered this brilliant breed of Uber Driver. Basically, unlike the previous uber driver who regrets being one, this guy can actually take your chat.

A prime example of one of these guys: He saw us stumble into his car and guess what, he was laughing. This is already a good sign. He told us about his time partying away at university and how he now Ubers, we thought this would be the perfect opportunity to ask how old he was (drunk us thought this was not rude at all). He looked about 25 but it turns out man's 40 and honest to God I got that man’s skincare routine at the end of that trip. Bless you legendary Uber drivers.

The one who doesn’t say a word

You know how certain farts are silent but deadly? This guy is like that fart. It’s so uncomfortable sat in the car that it makes you literally want to open the passenger door and roll out onto the ring road.

They barely even manage to say hey when you get in. They keep their eyes fixated on the wheel. Literally, they will not take their eyes off the road. All you can hear are police sirens and his heavy breath. Thank god for my phone because otherwise I would be deceased right now and the cause of death would be peak Uber driver awkwardness. Not how I wanna go.

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The one who calls you and you don’t understand a single word

Maybe it’s because of bad connection or a clash in accents (they could be from Yorkshire or Delhi for all you know). But when you’re waiting for your Uber and have no clue where you are, or even where they are most of the time, it can raise some issues. It’s hard to describe where you are when all you can see are trees, but it turned out you were only in Gosford Green.

End call. Wait five mins. Trip cancelled. Yet again, I’m so sorry.