We tried to pull boys in Quids Inn using our most cheesy pick up lines
You don’t know until you try
Every time you receive a truly awful chat-up line on Tinder you tend to wonder: Do guys actually think this works? Like, for real? And if they do, by extension, does it work on guys too?
I wanted to know for sure: What is the success rate of cheesy chat up lines on males? And did it really hurt when they fell from heaven?
So, the experiment
Our methodology involved compiling a short list of cringe-y (yet absolutely hilarious) pick-up lines that we would present to our random male subjects, and observe how they react.
We decided to hit up another bar first for some dutch courage because this was not an adventure for the sober. We ended up in the safe space of Spon Gate, aka JJ's spoons. After a pitcher of porn star martini and overly played (but still lit) American pop songs, we were ready to begin our experiment.
Quids Inn was our target bar because our beady eyes spotted that there were boys-a-plenty. Another drink, double vodka cranberry, and we'd be ready to do the first test. We zeroed in on our first victim. The air was thick with anticipation and the smell of Quids £4 pizza.
The first target
A lad and his two friends sat down near us, oblivious to the trauma they were about to face. I saw an opening. An empty chair next to my target whispered my name. I casually slid over and took my seat, a shaky finger tapping his jacket.
I cleared my throat and gave my best introduction: “Hi, I know I’m a stranger but can I ask you a question?” The look of fear on his face was expected. “Are you a criminal, because I’d like to tie you up and punish you?” I asked. A smile spread across his face, then a slightly awkward laugh. His response?
“I’m a very nice boy.”
Fair enough. He gave me his number. And yes, his friends wanted to know if I could punish them too.
Success rate: Currently 100 per cent.
The next target's hair was gelled up in the popular fuck-boy fashion, hood hanging outside his denim jacket – a lone wolf on his phone. Mystery lingered in the air. I held my chin high and approached with caution.
“Hi can I tie your shoe laces? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.” Clever, I know. But did he get it? I’m afraid not.
Not a smile, nor a smirk – not a nose crinkle, nor a twerk. He stared blankly into my face. As the awkwardness of the situation began to choke me I began explaining the joke…which made it more awkward and when he still didn’t get it, I dug myself a grave by giving him a thumbs up.
Failure. Success rate falls to 50 per cent.
On to the next one
The final tale of the night: A hot French guy, now in sight. He was laughing with his friends and drinking beer. I swooped in, interrupting their conversation with a “Hi can I ask you a question?” His friends looked on, intrigued. He nodded.
“Can I take a picture of you to show Santa what I want for Christmas?” It took him a moment but when he got the joke he smiled his friends yelled the iconic “eyyyyy” of approval. Success.
He loved it, as was explicitly said (literally, he said "I love it"), so his friends and I huddled for a group photo (he would be the one in the tan coat above). He went to his other friends and told the joke and came back to continue with some chat. In the end I did get his number, and sent him a text, so I’ll wait and see what happens next.
Now ladies and gents, this experiment proves that confidence is truly KEY. Well, 66 per cent of the time at least. Don’t be afraid to go up to someone, whether it be a guy or girl, because you never know what will happen.
Next time you see a Fitty McTitty I dare you to walk up to him with your best opener and see what happens! We love a confident sister. You're welcome.