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These are the five species of gay male you’ll encounter at Coventry

Welcome to the jungle


Cov Uni is not the best place to find your soulmate, but if you’re desperate (like most of us), this guide may help you in your search for Prince Charming in this concrete jungle. Sisters, make yourselves comfortable and let the tea flow freely.

1. The flamingo

Picture 2010-era Bieber: A skinny young boy, usually a fresher, always surrounded by a group of four or more ladies who will tell him everything. He’s a confident, self-centred and sassy little angel, but if you get under his skin you’ll realise he’s a total bitch. He’s usually interested in daddies (and if they’re the sugar variety that’s even better).

Never talk to them unless you've got something interesting to say. If you waste their time or piss them off, good luck. He'll tell everybody on campus you got chlamydia. His room smells like every type of Yankee candle.

Where you can find them: Outside of Graham Sutherland or George Elliot (sometimes Ellen Terry)

Listens to: Ariana Grande

https://www.instagram.com/p/BQs_PrBAiaQ

2. The raccoon

He’s a nerd and a total creeper, so if you meet him, run while you can. Into hoodies, has no fashion sense, usually wears dirty glasses, studies Maths or Horticulture (yes, we have that at Cov uni). Never underestimate him because he’s smart (but serial killer smart, not Einstein smart).

He doesn’t know how to socialise, or how to go out. Which is why he spends most of his time on dating apps, Fortnite, or League of Legends. They’re not looking necessarily for hookups or dates. They’ll probably end up alone and they’re probably tops. His room smells like a cat's litter tray.

Where you can find them: The Hub, a few meters away from you

Listens to: Lady Gaga

https://www.instagram.com/p/BU-QsvvgPsv

3. The hummingbird

He’s not the typical guy you’ll find on Grindr – you won’t find him on Grindr at all. He studies Art, Fashion, or Fine Art. He catches flies in his spare time. Always in Quid’s or Phoenix with a G&T and a cigarette. In terms of how he is, you can never tell. He’s happy, but he’s sad; he’s enthusiastic, but mellow. His best friend wears a beret and heels.

He’s always the one everybody watches and likes. He’s an influencer for his small community of addicts. He does drugs on a weekly basis and prefers staying in and enjoying a glass of wine rather than going out. His room smells like amber, teakwood, coffee beans, and musk.

Where you can find them: Quid’s, Phoenix, or Starbucks

Listens to: Lana Del Rey

4. The seahorse

Everyone should know a thing about him. He’s straight, or at least he pretends to be. You never know his intentions, he wants to be in a relationship with you, but then: What would his mates think? He’s a sport enthusiast – always in JJ's or Kasbah and always with his pack of bros. He has a girlfriend, but she’s back home.

He shags boys only because “she never gave me what I wanted”. He’s the manliest boy you’ll ever sleep with, until he begs you to finish on his face. For him, sex is everything: No emotions, just sex.

Where you can find them: Hunting in the smoking area of Kasbah or JJ's

Listens to: The Killers

5. The fly

You’ve met this guy at the Yard on a Friday night – you took him home. Do you regret it? Probably not. It was the best sex you’ve ever had. This guy is a legend. He knows his stuff and he also knows how to put you in the spotlight during the act. You’ll never find a better guy at sex but still, that’s all: Just sex.

He’s really good looking, but childish. He never bonds with anyone and is a loner. You'll never meet at his at his place. He dresses like a normal uni boy. He doesn’t stand out from the crowd in any particular way, but that’s what makes him more mysterious and attractive. His room smells like Old Spice.

Where you can find them: Yard or Glam

Listens to: Katy Perry

https://www.instagram.com/p/BfF_Ds_BEnY