Booze, bellies, and BO: What to expect when sleeping with a Cov Uni sports boy
Peak if he plays cricket
Sleeping with sports lads is a uni rite of passage, but is it ever any good? In this completely scientific and well-researched analysis you'll find out just how good Cov's sporting elite are in the bedroom. You can thank us later.
Whatever would we do without this fine specimen’s impeccable (and for the most part unwarranted) confidence? If you ever find yourself wondering how you managed to end up sharing a bed with this one, the answer will not be in his Michelin Man rig or how quickly he can down a pint, but rather in his chat, which is perhaps his only redeeming quality.
Technique, skill, presentation? He's got none of it. He'll go for minimum effort and eventually, when even that tires him out, he'll go for zero. Have fun on top for all four minutes and 45 seconds, or until he gets a cramp in his hamstring and asks you to massage it out.
Despite his lacklustre performance, you’ll wear your sub-par night like a badge of honour and gossip with your friends about it until it happens again. Five minutes if you're lucky this time; he's been practicing.
Appropriately, the front crawl of all sports boys: he's safe, he's efficient, and he doesn't need any of the theatrics. He's stuck to what he knows for so long, he's actually pretty decent with it.
He'll go for missionary and only missionary, but you've probably already been traumatised by Rugby or American football, so by the time you give the swimmer a fair shot, you'll accept anything.
Stare at the lacrosse boy long enough and you too can reminisce about what it was like to be a virgin. Cov Uni men's lacrosse depend on the women's team for everything: for funding, for their half-developed social skills, and for sex. To really understand the lacrosse boy and what makes him act the way he does, you must first be lacrosse.
He likes to stay close to home, therefore minimising the effort he has to put into pulling and, as a result, maximising the drama when it inevitably crashes and burns.
If you're really vying for the attention of the Cov lacrosse boy, you will likely be going up against several girls who have the advantage of being on the same team as him and who have probably already slept with him.
He sure can perform on the pitch, but can he perform in the bedroom? It is a resounding and unfortunate yes. The only thing worse than the sport he plays is the fact he knows what he's doing and he's great at it. Say what you want about the way they talk about women, but if you're gunning for a satisfactory sports-boy romp, cricket is a good place to start.
In all fairness, he means well and he gives it his best shot. His best shot however falls far from being anything enjoyable.
After the quick three minutes of missionary you'll share, during which he'll grunt like he's climbing a mountain, he'll collapse, roll over, and if you're particularly unlucky, he'll cry over his ex.
Under most circumstances, sleeping with football lads is generally discouraged, however when measured against the alternatives of rugby, lacrosse, and cricket, football pose a safe option.
It won't be the best you'll ever have, but it's a far cry from the worst too.
Expect nothing but doggystyle.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve surely heard the new drama that’s overtaken Cov Uni’s sports realm. Rugby union have been banned from participating in all social activities and, as a last ditch effort to cling to social relevance, many have joined Hockey and Cheer for the bants.
If their biggest claim to fame is offering shelter to disgraced rugby players, hockey aren't exactly setting the bar very high for themselves. Do yourself a favour, don't sleep with a hockey player.
Do these boys even exist? We're sure we've never seen them in Empire, and if we have, their presence was so underwhelming it's hard to have much confidence in their performances elsewhere.
Please, do it for me. I have so many questions.
Surely you're better than this.