Coming to Coventry? Here’s a list of everyone you’re definitely going to meet
Welcome to Cov Uni, it’s gonna be a wild ride
First things first, everyone here definitely comes from either Birmingham or London and if you're from literally ANYWHERE else, you're an anomaly. Unless you're from Essex or something, that's just about acceptable.
Now we've got that settled – you need to know exactly who you're going to meet in Coventry. Like all universities it truly is a mixed bag – but Cov really does seem to have more SoundCloud rappers than most, doesn't it?
The Brummie Insta Baddie
Oh boy does this girl know how to dress for the occasion. Every time you go out with her, you'll feel like a total mess. Brummie girls are one of a kind – their accents are strong but their makeup game is stronger. They're Pryzm Princesses through and through.
Kasbah may not be the best place for heels and hoop earrings so big you could literally hula hoop with them – but they don't care. It's full glam or nothing for these gals. After all, you can take the girl out of Birmingham, but you can't take the Birmingham out of the girl.
The North London Model
Yes that's right, he's a model, and he'll never let you forget it. In fact, he doesn't even have to tell you. Models are like magnets and they always seem to find each other. The closest you'll get to them is your like on their amazingly poised post on the 'gram.
They're best friends with the edgy art/humanity students who dress like they model for Unif and you'll see them strutting out of the Graham Sutherland building like it's London Fashion Week every week. Don't bother trying to emulate them, your bank account could never.
The Soundcloud Rapper
Funnily enough, they always take subjects that leave your mind spinning when you try to imagine them actually pursuing that career. Law? Geography? That just doesn't match up with the lo-fi hip hop shitty SoundCloud vibe, does it?
Also, they're ALWAYS late. They stroll in 20 minutes late to a lecture and sit there with earphones in probably listening to their own "fire" mixtape. Who knows? Maybe this Playboi Carti wannabe is a secret genius. They better be or there's going to be a big storm coming, and it's not their next single.
The Clearing Buzzkill
One word: bitter. All you'll ever hear is "I was supposed to go to a Russell Group" and "I was predicted AAB". Shut up dude, shut up and have a drink. This is not good pre drinks chat, you're being a Debbie downer and also – I didn't ask.
What he doesn't seem to understand that actually half of us also got here through clearing, and if you really open your heart and give Cov a chance, you'll fall in love with it. Even the shitty bits (Hillfields we're looking at you).
The Ego Inflated Business Student
This guy thinks he's Leo DiCaprio from The Wolf of Wall Street and he genuinely doesn't realise that that's not a good thing. He wanted to do economics but couldn't hack it, so now spends all his time convincing people that "business is actually a way better degree than economics, way more employable – like, trust me". Sure, hun.
Every so often he'll show up to lectures in a business suit as if he's got an internship he's heading off to later even though we all know he's just gonna pick up some K Rush and walk home. Or worse, he gets Ubers everywhere because he thinks it makes him look cool.
Also, did we mention he's an asshole? Please do not date this man.
Your Uni Mother
You might as well tell your mum not to worry already, because as soon as you get to your uni halls there's going to be a replacement mum waiting for you. She'll teach you how to do your laundry (if you're a sad boi who can't do that) and she'll cook you dinner if you run out of food – just because she's like that.
And you can always count on her to hold your hair back when you're puking out your free JJ's toast on a Tuesday night. She's the trusted Whatsapp group admin and honestly, God bless her, wherever you are, we love you.
The Kasbah Smoking Area Girl
We're pretty sure she goes clubbing just to get free drugs in the smoking area rather than to dance with her friends. She's always on the hunt for cigs, gum, or a bump. All for free – of course.
Try not to make eye contact with her if you have anything she'll be interested in, she's like a bloodhound but with coke. If you wanna get rid of her, just direct her straight to someone who lives in Liberty, they'll hook her up and get her off your back.
The Chicken Shop Owner / "Bossman"
Okay, so, not technically a student, but the two of you will be on a first name basis and that counts. Especially if you live in Singer Hall, Gosford Gate or Callice Court, prime chicken shop areas.
You'll be one of those dons shouting "the usual!" over the counter, casually leaning with one arm as you smirk at everyone else in the queue when he throws in some free peri salted fries just for you. In Cov that's the equivalent of being a BNOC, it really doesn't get any better than that.
Your Silent Lecture Bestie
In one of your lectures, there's always that one person you've never said a word to except "can you pass that over please?" and "thanks" but you trust each other with your lives. You trust them not to be a freak, or to smell or just to annoy you in general. They're safe, mysterious, but safe.
Maybe you'll become friends one day when you actually speak to each other, or maybe you'll forever be too awkward to start a conversation.
Either way, good luck, we're praying that this article has helped you in some small way to navigate the strange and beautiful stereotypes of Cov Uni. It's all up to you now.