A handy guide on how to get rid of freshers’ flab now the year is nearly over

Before coming to university my sister regularly took pleasure in reminding me of ‘freshers 14’, the average number of pounds put on by students in their first year of study.

We were convinced it wouldn’t happen, that we’d actually use the gym membership we paid the full year for and incorporate vegetables in our diets.

But in the same way no one believed we’d actually leave the EU or that Trump would become president, here we are in the final term, five pounds heavier with the only five-a-day we’re getting being in emotional breakdowns. This is not ideal but, as with everything in life, we develop coping mechanisms to help deal with it.

Drink straight vodka

Mixers are often highly calorific, dilute the alcohol and make you pee – I’m really not seeing any positives of them at this point so just cut them out and watch your weight fall faster than your grades as you continue to avoid 100 per cent of your assignments.

Hide from your problems

You can’t look larger if you don’t look, so just avoid all mirrors. I can also recommend buying 101 oversized jumpers, so no one else can see the weight gain.

This jumper is great – am I a size 20 or a size 12? No one can tell (but almost definitely a 20 at this point)

Buy maternity jeans

This may be accepting defeat but at least you’ll be comfortable. Plus, if a baby made by a guy justifies a new wardrobe then so should a food baby made by a garlic bread, right?

Spend more time sleeping

When you sleep until 12pm every day you miss breakfast, meaning you miss calorie intake so can save them up to use on alcohol that evening. Also, when you’re lying on your back your stomach looks flatter and unbuttoning your jeans is socially acceptable when you’re alone in bed.

Believe every online hack and commit to it

Eating celery burns calories, drinking green tea boosts your metabolism, eating slowly so your body has time to tell itself you’re full are just a few I’ve been trying. Not only might these actually lead to weight loss but they’ll also make you feel like you’re dealing the freshers weight situ so you don’t feel forced to cut out the entire pack of bourbons you eat each day out.

Make summer plans in cold countries

Going on a beach holiday is dangerous grounds with freshers weight gain – if you jump in to a pool will all the water jump out? Will you even be able to do up your denim shorts? Are you going to get harpooned if you go on a beach? To avoid these dilemmas just make summer plans in cold places – see ya soon Greenland.

Trying to combat with the gym

Word on the street is that exercising burns calories, which is apparently directly linked to weight loss so one way to work towards losing the weight you’ve put on is to go to the gym.

Remember weight gain isn’t actually that big of a deal

You may have put on some weight in the last term, at some point you may lose it but you also may not and that’s cool too. It was my childhood dream to look like a Disney character, who cares it’s turned out to be Dumbo? (that’s what I remind myself anyways, when my housemates refer to me as a baby elephant).