How far do I have to run to burn off the Lash?

A Millennial Fitness Bible

The freshers’ fifteen is one of the most relentless tropes of student life. Parents mock you for putting it on and expect it, just like your overdraft, to disappear the moment you graduate.

It’s a stereotype most aspire, but fail, to shed. You’re ready to give it up, yet still cling on to another. Nowhere is the welcome cliche of students spunking their student loans on alcopops, revelling in a fancy dress social more evident than at the Lash.

Unable to hold yourself back on a Wednesday night, but determined to shed some pounds, you ask yourself a question.

“How far would I have to run to burn off the Lash?”

Let’s break it down.

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At pre drinks it’s a bottle of wine. White being the classy option here, is also calorific, clocking in at 636 calories.

It doesn’t make sense to order one drink at a time – bar space is at a premium. Nothing epitomises the saying that good things come in pairs more than VKs. Two blue bottles gives you another 336 calories.

After seeing those off – both straws in the mouth, obviously – it’s back to the bar. Two pineapple this time, slightly more calorific, clocking in at 402 calories. Somehow you accidentally order a jagerbomb. Never mind the damage to your wallet, that’s another 158 calories.

Note how he uses his left index finger to pinch each VK in place. Good form.

As the night goes on, your power is undiminished. A pair of orange VKs go back nicely, giving you the power of 440 calories behind you.

All good things not only come in pairs, but must come to an end. And end the night does, but not before lining your stomach. Cheesy chips from your takeaway of choice pile on another 390 calories.

It’s fair to say at this point you’re pretty much done. Leaving aside the worryingly regular amount of alcohol your liver is having to battle, you’ve consumed 2362 calories.

Excuse me mate, how many days are you gonna sleep for to burn all this off?

How to burn it off

An hour jogging at five miles per hour burns 398 calories. What this means is that you’ll have to jog for 29 miles. If this seems daunting, we’ve plotted out a handy route for you. It starts out by running to Family Fish Bar to get your chips, and then takes you down to the bay. Before you get all the way there, a thought pops into your head that you’ve not been to Barry before.

Off you go, all the way to the seaside. But, alas, nothing compares to Cardiff, and you decide to come back home. Having missed the city on your travels, you take in a couple of laps of Roath Lake, contemplate your impending doom by skirting past Cathays cemetery, and then through Taly to Bute Park. Finally, you’ll find yourself back where it all began – the Students’ Union.

If this proves popular enough, we’ll try and make it a weekly thing.

Alternatively, if you want to stay put and keep dancing, then doing so from close until just after 8am will do the trick.

Say you’ve met the love of your life in the lash and you want nothing more than to go home and work off some calories together? Well, let’s hope there’s chemistry, because you’ll need to be at it for at least 10 hours to see off all those calories.

These are not sit-ups. Exhaustion has driven you to sobbing into your knees.

Of course, sometimes you just don’t feel like doing anything, and that’s fine. A nice lie in will do the trick, as long as it’s a 28 hour long one.