How to coax your bit on the side into a Valentine’s date

It’s Valentine’s Day. Being the strong independent woman you are, you have not felt the need to indulge in relationships or fawn over the fuckboy staying in your bed every other night. But you’re beginning to reach the point where the cuddles and snuggles have a warm touch and little tingle.

You’re a massive commitment-phobes, but secretly, on the day of love, it’s likely you’re thinking it would be nice to spend some quality time with the guy who’s been drilling you into ecstasy for the last six months. So how do you coax him?

New underwear

Putting a bow and frilly lace on anything makes it prettier and definitely more fuckable. So from thongs, to big panties, even accessories like stockings are all a go. Please remember that sexy comes in any size and if your fuckboy doesn’t appreciate – don’t let it go to waste, and find another man to ride.

‘Best behaviour’

Fuckboys have this lovely little term, that girls need to be on their ‘best behaviour’ if they’re to get what they want. Now normally, being the strong, couldn’t-care-less kind of women we are, we would tell them what to go and do to themselves if they even began with this patronising tone. Yet, we want something from them, so we have to play this crappy game.

So ‘best behaviour’ tends to entail no clingyness, nothing cutesy, needy, or overly affectionate. You still passionately hate him and just want to screw him as far as he knows.

Do not call it a date!

It is not a date (it’s totally a date)! But if he asks, it is not a date. You guys are just going out for food, taking a trip downtown, popping into the shops, browsing for some chocolates for Mother’s Day (next month).

Hopefully he’s so oblivious after you casually suggest to do something today, a normal Tuesday, that he’ll be game and you’ll be out surrounded by hearts, balloons, and confetti before he realises the tragic mistake he’s made.

Dirty talk

A few hours before your ‘date’ you need to distract him incase he’s caught onto the fact that it’s February 14th and you’re cruising for commitment rather than just a little closure.

So how could we do that in the world of technology, Snapchat, and 50 Shades of Grey. C’mon girls, get creative. Once you get those new red little panties on bend over the bed and get your girl mate to help you take that killer photo that will have him panting before you could take your pants off. After a little teaser send him a few filthy texts.

This little stunt helps remind him that it is all about sex.

If all else fails?

Screw the date and just go over and screw him.

Let’s be honest, you weren’t really looking for a relationship. Just one date during the year would’ve been nice. But never mind. Just because he’s more stubborn than anticipated shouldn’t stop you from resuming your normal regime and going over to fuck him out of his daily routine.

Perhaps pick up some wine, but never go too fancy. Simply remember, this is just your standard day and trying to get a fuckboy out on Valentine’s Day is sometimes no more than a fantasy.

Disclaimer: If you’re crying in tissues and tears that he won’t take you on a date, you are crushing and he is no longer your fuckboy. So pull yourself together and dump his libertine ass.