The step-by-step crawl you go on during a sweaty night out in Merthyr Tydfil

The tragic night out that everyone loves

If you live in Merthyr, there’s no escaping the lure of town on a Saturday night. And if you don’t live in Merthyr, there’s a high chance you’ve heard chat of the wild nights out that occur in the pools of sweat in the bars and the shining light of Koolers.

Merthyr nightlife is shit, but it’s so, so good.


From the outset you know you need to get drunk before you can enjoy the night. So you gather your friends and decide to start early. Whether it’s pre-drinks at whoever-lives-closest-to-Merthyr’s house, or whether you head to your local pub or rugby club, the night always starts early.

You play drinking games and start off easy, knowing the spirits of the town will pollute and ruin you, but you cannot go there sober.

You excitedly get a train or your taxi for nine, probably the same driver you have every week, knowing you for a fact you’ll see every single person you went to school with in the shadows of the dark rooms. When you get in your chosen transport, you decide where you’re headed.

Days of Brunswick

In school years, the Brunswick was the place to be. This bar was a safe haven of cheap shots and, if you snagged a sofa, a prime way to make yourself the most popular group in the room.


The Vulcan is known for one thing and one thing only: its vodka. A few drinks down and you’re gone for the night. You know at the end of the night who’s been to Vulcan – they’re probably on the floor or getting kicked out.



Ah, Walkthrough. The epitome of shameless clubbing, yet it brings back fond memories because locals of Merthyr started out here thinking it was the most incredible place ever.

The memories of Walkthrough outweigh the experience when you get there – first of all, the gaudy walls with the Playboy logo plastered over the premises reminds you of your naive, young clubbing days.

The even bigger reminder is when you see the young’uns enjoying it now. You stand there staring, feeling old and grey as they blare the same songs you heard when you were just starting out, wondering why on earth you paid one pound to get in. Gone were the beautiful days where the mystical hideout was free and everything was okay.


Although, Walkthrough did redeem itself when it updated the dance floor, creating magical specs of multi-coloured magic that would get you pumped with its vibrations of nostalgia and freedom. It’s just a shame you couldn’t take your drinks on it.

Back to the Hawaiian corner it is.


When Walkthrough isn’t an option, Spoons is the path on the way to the finale of the evening. And there’s no denying that this Spoons holds a sophistication that no other area of  town grasps.

For starters, the atmosphere makes Walkthrough look like play school, at Spoons you don pitchers and actual glass cups, sipping through straws that aren’t made of paper.


You know everyone is your age because, despite getting asked for your ID on the door, you get asked every time you go up to the bar as well. You can sit down at the tables, play drinking games and laugh instead of shuffling to the repetitive music offered elsewhere.

But if a stop of your crawl parks at Spoons, it means you’re not drunk enough. There’s no music, which means you don’t normally stop there for too long. This penultimate stop raises your alcohol-infused blood, gets you prepared and helps everyone in their drunken journey for the climax of the night…


It needs no introduction. If you’re out in town, this is on your agenda – this is where everyone sets to go.

Though it’s formally called The Kirkhouse, excitement is commonly shown during the walk from town central, across the bridge by the college and towards this heavenly finale.

Shouts of “Wheeeeey Koooolaaaaaas” are echoed throughout the streets as you head to where the beautiful decor of the spiky lights are brighter than your future. Deffo worth the fiver entry.


One of the best things about Koolers is the fact you know everyone there. No matter where you turn you bump into someone you know from work, school or college, and with an intoxicated mind these gatherings only become all the more fun.

Except for when you bump into all your exes, because you can guarantee that they’re going to be there, too.

But you know the bartenders, both because it’s your regular and because you probably were in the same class as them, which means you might even get a free shot or two.

Koolers in the king of nightlife in Merthyr. It’s just a shame no one can ever remember it.