When it’s time to stop being ‘that’ girl

The drunken stupor of university life picks you up in moments of ecstasy as you drink from Monday to Saturday and vomit on Wednesday. You frequently wake in the morning and curse your alarm for not taking you to that 10am. But in reality you lay in bed elated and plan your next night of debauchery as you grasp at the few short moments you really have ‘to live in your youth’.

But at some point the ‘fun’, that you undoubtedly will never remember, has got to come to an end. And if you’re reading this, chances are that time is now.

You’re a liability

Continually you wake the next morning to find countless phone calls and texts, no money for a cab home and a killer headache. You body denies you the ability to look back and recollect whether it was at the first, second, or tenth drink that you started to black out.

Instead you return to your student house to hear you housemates list the drinks and decisions your life could have probably done without. Well done.

You have no more clothes for Instagram photos

As vain as we like to say we’re not, we dread being photographed in the same outfit twice. And if you’re standing in your wardrobe about to throw a rather teenage strop about ‘having nothing to wear’ and don’t have the bank balance to go out and buy a new outfit you are going out too much.

You need to save money, and yes you should put that glass of wine down and get into bed or study.

Alcohol becomes more important than food

If in the haze of the morning-after you’re already figuring out how little you have to eat so you can afford to go out on the weekend – you have some priority issues. Food should always come above partying, and although your cranberry vodka may be packed with essential vitamins, it won’t keep your skin young or your muscles toned.

Plus going out just isn’t right if you can’t pay for a banquet of salad, mayonnaise and meat wrapped neatly in a pitta at the end.

You class clubbing as exercise

It’s just not. Don’t argue.

The guy from last night is just another on a list of pride and shame

Checking your Snapchat story from the night before you spot the guy laying next to you in the harsh light of your phone. You turn your groggy eyes toward him, deciding that although you were drunk – at least you still have taste. But who the hell is he? And why hasn’t he gotten up yet and left?

Eventually he leaves. But this won’t be the last you see of him, as you’re grinding on your next pray in the club you hear a voice behind you going ‘Isn’t that the girl from the other night?’ You whip round at the thrill of seeing someone elses’ embarrassment only to be confronted with a horrified look from the guy who was in your bed the night before. Woops.

Your reputation succeeds you

The sensation of being a club BNOC is one of the most becoming moments of university life. You saunter from room to room being greeted as if you were at your very own house party and everyone is greeting the host. Yes. You have made it. But have you really. As the club photographer comes to take your photo, for the 6th time this term, you see him check the outfit you wore during Freshers and vaguely glance at the new piece of man candy on your arm.

Every lecturer has no idea who you are

Mid-terms and deadlines are approaching and you finally decide to drag your hungover self to those all important office hours. You email your lecturer and they politely arrange a meeting after your midday breakfast.

You dry shampoo your hair and bring mints to ‘ensure’ you don’t smell like the night before. As they open the door your lecturer simply has no idea who you are. They look you up and down with empty eyes and no recognition. You begin to discuss an assessment question and they tell you that it is quite clear you have no idea what you are on about, and that you might possibly fail.

The shame washes over you as you realise your university career finishes in 6 months and all you’ll have to show for it is a 2:2 and a bunch of club photos.

Congratulations on being the university party girl who just didn’t know when to quit.