Hilarious reviews of Cardiff’s favourite clubs

“Live Lounge? You mean live toilet!”


Saturday morning. Woken up by your bursting bladder, your dried out lips stick to your teeth as you roll over onto a half eaten portion of chips. Through a pounding headache you open your laptop. Before you tell all your friends about your night, there’s someone far more important you must tell: the internet.

At least, that’s what I assume the thought process of these reviewers was.

Live Lounge

Live music, pound shots and Mr Brightside over and over and over again. There’s so much to love about Live Lounge. But, apparently, there’s a lot not to like, too…

 

live-toilet

“Live toilet”: the best rebrand since Justin Bieber’s transformation.

 

perfume

Less “no spray, no lay”, more “spray, no pay”.

 

poem

Wordsworth, Keats, Shelley. If only they had a muse like Live Lounge. Any of these crafted couplets make for the perfect tattoo, words etched not only on your skin, but your soul.

 

Glam

Everyone’s favourite place to get lost and retreat to the luxurious smoking area, Glam’s as divisive as it is disorientating.

marmite

Simple truths. Are you a fun guy? Or do you need to go home? Glam’s the litmus test your personality needs.

 

perfectly-sober

“I am definitely not drunk. I’b ovnly ha’ tsree pints. I’m fiiine.”

 

bad-smell-reality-stars

Everyone hates a dancefloor farter.

 

election

When you convince that girl rambling about politics in the smoking area to run for office.

 

historians

Future historians, bored of books and articles, turn to one final source. The last hope of unravelling the mystery of clubbing’s demise. Not the minutes from Fabric’s last hearing, nor a report on the country’s arcane drug laws. No, what saves the day is a TripAdvisor review of Glam.

 

Retro

Ranked top of Cardiff’s nightlife on TripAdvisor, Retro’s sticky floors, hen parties and throwback tunes are definitely popular. But not with everyone…

 

earth-song

Somebody didn’t get the whole 90s club memo.

 

plague

Everything Trump wants America to be.

 

why-we-dont-do-stags

Retro’s explanation of why they don’t do stags leaves us wondering eternally about “The Event That Must Not Be Named”. What happened? Was anybody harmed? Did it involve any bodily fluids? We may never know.