Lydia Baxter: Hate to the vapes

The Vape. A distorted mutation combining our generation’s commitment issues, addiction, and technology fetishes into one definitive icon. We’ve always played with something in our hand – the cigarette, a lighter, an iPhone.

Now we have electronic cigarettes.

Bellend

Averaging at £70 the only thing it shows us is how we love to waste money, hold something shiny and to fiddle with something vaguely phallic. A pointless toy for all genders of our generation.

This new “state-of-the-art” technology has absorbed us with no real testing on hazards or harms. Really we’re just making the same mistakes as the generation before us, getting hooked on the exact same substance, just in a different way, with no knowledge of the actual product.

But these kids are the “edgy” types, so that’s okay. With their Casio watches and crappy snapbacks they complete the look by inserting the endless cigarette into their open mouths. With no FDA approval the vaper is legitimately risking harm. All for the chance to say that ultimately cool phrase: “I was hooked before it was safe”. Blowing fruity tasting steams into their lungs.

And if this isn’t the case they genuinely believe there are no nauseating side-effects for the generations to come. After having learnt about all the modifications, atomisers, clearomisers, drips, and batteries they basically think they have a degree in Chemistry and a minor in Physics. In reality, they just have a Masters in being a twat from learning to build a coil – which last I checked was something that went in your fanny.

You’ll wish your new vaporizing friend had just stuck to stinking of fags and be done with it. As if you’d have the balls to anyway. It could be funny to watch you blip and might even do you some good to have a standard habit, but we can’t expect these commitaphobes to stick to anything.

So, if you can’t stick to quitting cigarettes then why don’t you just smoke them normally? At least it’s classy. Look at Hepburn with the long vogue sticks or Elvis with his pack of red apples. It’s classic and it’s unbeatable. You cannot deny the hit you get from a cigarette is completely different to your electric doodad. Which you’ll cry over once the battery’s dead anyway.

I understand the benefit of “The Vape” for genuine smokes. You know, the 60-year-old man trying a health kick after his 50-year-old habit. Or the mum cutting down to avoid influencing her children. But we’re students. Bumming a fag from your brother when you were 10 does not mean you’ve had a 10 year addiction. If you have the strive to make it to uni then you should have the effort to commit or quit.