What being a submissive is really like

‘It’s the best sex I’ve ever had’

50 Shades of Grey, and all the media hype its created, has created a facade about what BDSM actually entails. It is not a real demonstration of BDSM. We (anonymously) spoke to three submissives, all of whom are in relationships, to tell us about their sex lives and what they make of the mainstream representations of BDSM.

Because who doesn’t want to be a pet for the day?

Karen, 23

‘It’s not so much about the physical as the movie makes out’

When people think of BDSM they just think of chains and whips, but thats S&M. It’s not so much about the physical as the movie makes out – me and my partner don’t practice S&M actually, so you won’t find us in a playroom with whips, crops and floggers everywhere. Instead we practice TPE. Total Power Exchange.

They tell me what to do and I do it, if I dont I get spanked. It’s not about sex, its control. We’re into Domination and Submission only, and I love it because I was so out of control with my life beforehand. Because we’re TPE, I am a sub all the time, but I have choices, I can say yes or no, just like safewording I suppose. I can leave any time too, and we go on dates all the time.”

Enough toys to rival Ann Summers, and they cost a lot

Marcus, 26

‘Most people get the definition of BDSM wrong’

As a sub, I found the movie a good representation for BDSM in some ways. It’s mainstreamed it. However it has caused a few problems – I came out to my friends about it drunk one night and they thought it was all contracts and beating people, which it’s not. True BDSM is safe, consensual and has set boundaries.

BDSM is defined in truth as B&D, which is bondage and discipline, D&S, dominance and submission, and S&M which is sadism and masochism. It’s an umbrella term and not all areas are practiced by each partnership. And to be honest? Its the best sex I’ve ever had. Way better than picking up a one night stand in Tiger Tiger.

Where are the pink fluffy ones?

Shannon, 20

‘It turns me on to be punished, but within my limits’

I love being submissive. It’s taught me a lot about accountability for my actions, but I don’t think it’s changed my personality. I’m engaged to my partner, and we have plently non kinky sex as well. I choose when I want to submit – I have the power in our relationship ironically.

It turns me on to be punished, but within my limits. I can safe word at anytime. I think BDSM relationships allow true trust between partners, I trust my Dom not to hurt me, and he trusts me to set the limit. I enjoy being tied up, spanked etcetera, and these things can be punishment or pleasure depending on how they’re used and the pain level.

We also do non sex scenes which are purely about my pleasure, and then we’ll go watch a movie, cwtch and play fight like every other couple I know. If I do something he doesn’t like, I can argue if I’m in a good place to be punished or not, then he decides on the punishment (if there is one). If I do something wrong in a scene, like move when I’m not supposed to, I get punished, but I always have my safe words, and I use them. Also I’m actutely aware of something called the sub-drop, which is a very real drop in mood mid or after a scene because of a drop in adrenaline- when it happens I safeword immediately and we evaluate what happened.

Tie me up Master