How to take the perfect dick pic, according to a girl

Utilise mood lighting and fancy dress


So you’ve met a girl and it’s a match made in heaven (well, Tinder), and your cheesy chat-up lines are just not cutting it anymore – what do you do to save this blossoming romance? The answer is simple – the dick pic. But how to take the perfect dick pic? How to show your shaft in the best light imaginable?

On behalf of all women, here a few tips to help you next time you’re thinking of sending some tasteful nudes.

Use artistic angles

e Death from above

It seems boys struggle to find the most flattering angle, so why not use all the unflattering ones as well?

From above gives us the opportunity to feel like we have a penis ourselves, from below we get a glimpse of a delightfully hairy ball sack and a birds-eye-view shot really let us marvel in all its glory – what’s not to love?!

Captain Birdseye

Adopt creative comparisons

Now how are us simple minded females ever supposed to understand your size in relativity to your body?

Please, you must show us a comparison to as many phallic shaped objects as possible.

Be at one with your surroundings

I’m certain all surfaces at waist height were made solely for dick pic purposes  – because a shot of your penis flopped on your desk really gets us going.

Even better, on the kitchen surface. Your lack of hygiene is a complete turn on.

The perfect kitchen utensil

Let every girl on Tinder know you’re keen for an exchange

A dick pic is not a dick pic if not advertised well.

Don’t stop at broadcasting it to your Tinder matches, why not make posters and stick them up around the Students’ Union advertising your exclusive nudes in exchange for a cheeky cleavage snap?

Use mood lighting 

Your camera’s at the ready, the ads have been sent out and you’ve got a lucky new Snapchat contact.

Now just dim the lights, a little more, a little more, no honest your penis pics look the best in complete darkness.

Introduce the risk factor

According to my sources, a risky wank is even better than one in safety, so you should really follow the same policy when snapping your manhood.

A dick pic in the park while admiring the seagulls, next to Lidl bakery holding a cheese twist, perhaps even while you’re eating a cheeky Nandos with the lads – all guaranteed to be successful.

A great French stick

Utilise with fancy dress

Ever feel self-conscious about how you look naked? Fancy dress is the answer.

Adding a hat, googly eyes, a smiley face, in fact any accessories you want, will spice up a penis picture and will have to positive side effect of leaving you feeling super fabulous.

A curve is completely normal

Okay, maybe just don’t

Maybe the moral of the story is just please don’t send us your dick pics – they’re just really not that pretty. Unless of course you would like us to run the other way after screenshotting what you’ve sent and posting it to our ‘gals, gals, gals’ What’s App group.

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