How to be single this Valentine’s Day

Trust me, I’m an expert

It seems that with every passing year, Valentine’s Day is shoved into my face more and more. Not only do we have a plethora of Instagrams, Facebook statuses and Snapchats; there are advertisements commanding that we ‘personalise’ tacky gifts, or even spend a ‘romantic weekend away’ – which I’m pretty sure is corporate speak for shagging in a hotel room.

Not that I’d know, my marital status can be reassuringly called ‘between girlfriends’ or viciously denounced as ‘in the process of dying alone’.

I digress. There are plenty of ways to survive February 14^th without being crushed by the weight of expectation, and more than enough ways to enjoy it. Here’s my guide to forgetting all about it.

Screw lonely, be happy.

The worst/best part of 2015’s big day is the fact it falls on a Saturday. This means there is literally no excuse for couples to not have pre-booked a dinner date at Prezzo or a back-row pairing at that 50 Shades flick, and subsequently any public location will be crammed with hand-holding and selfies. You can tackle this with a home-based approach to the night, don’t leave your house and you won’t have to see these happy people, right? Well, you can’t be too naïve- at least one of your housemates will be claiming sole use of the kitchen/dining area as they cheapskate out of a costly restaurant booking.

Before we go on, I’ll make a point that you shouldn’t isolate yourself. Wallowing is not on the agenda for any single’s today. Save the self-reflection for when you’re hammered. So, your first job is to grab a hardy bunch of bachelor(ette) housemates/coursemates/lecturers and command sole use of the main house TV; the couples won’t need it, will they? Not only can you order in a veritable buffet of exotic takeaways, but being surrounded by other singletons can bring about some great Valentine’s Day entertainment ;). This involves downloading any quick-dating app and storming through the swathes of lonely single people desperate for attention

(Note: you’re doing this for lols, so it’s totally fine to be on it too).

You’d be amazed at how many people are on these sites at 9pm on Saturday evening, and much fun can be had in a group of mates socialising with, or subtly mocking, desperate lonely people.

Swipe right. Swipe right. Swipe right. Swipe right. Swipe right. Swipe right. Swipe right…

A few drinks knocked down and a greasy meal can bring out the party animal inside anyone, so the home-based approach shifts outdoors as you and your single friends steam towards the local nightclub/bar/strip joint. FYI, there is the possibility you have a ‘taken’ friend amongst your crowd tonight, who’s missing their long-distanced partner.

Do not attempt to console them, as they care little for your companionlessness and you care even less about how insecure they feel without ‘Claire/Tony’(delete as appropriate), who is stuck all the way up in Durham. Diddums.

There’s nothing here the couples are allowed to do it on so I’m claiming it.

As I said earlier, pretty much every couple is currently paying £25 for some pannacotta in Strada right now, so enjoy being in a club of single people for the evening. You can approach this whichever way you fancy, but I warn that too many rejections can make even the strongest heart break in two. And it hurts.

Arriving home after a night out you can ignore the squeals of delight from the couple’s bedrooms and indulge in your new drunk friend from the club, or play with yourself. We don’t judge at The Tab.

Either way, becoming so drunk you can’t feel pain any more is certainly an easy way to numb the ache of isolation, which will inevitably come hurling into your head like a freight train at midday Sunday. But, then it won’t be Valentine’s day, and you can look back at a night where you maybe only cried once, with honour.