A guide to spotting men

Why alcohol and men don’t mix

It began with a very tentative knock on the door. My housemate Hannah creaked open the door, physically recoiled from the stench of alcohol and sat on the edge of my bed, “Babe… are you okay? I heard you come in last night and go straight to your room and slam the door… you didn’t even make yourself toast so I thought you might have been upset?” O god. Someone bring me a trough of water and a vat of fried chicken immediately. I looked up and noted the computer with First Great Western on the screen and a one way ticket to Aberdeen in the process of being booked. O good god. It must have been a dreadful night if drunk Clare felt the need to physically flee Cardiff.

And it was. As the day progressed and my memory returned, I began to remember my dreadful evening. An evening so awful that I didn’t even stop off at mamas and flirt with Charlie Sheen to get an extra chicken nugget but ran home (yes, RAN) to hide under the duvet. There is only one thing that could provoke this strong a reaction- cold, bitter, dreadful REJECTION. I wonder how cold Scotland is this time of year?

This got me thinking of all the things I’ve learnt about boys over the past three years and how I’m still as bloody clueless as I was in my all girls’ convent school. Recently my friend Christian brought me a book entitled ‘A guide to spotting men’ as a ‘joke-but-seriously-take-a-look’ 21st Birthday present. Thanks Christian. There is even a section on men’s bathrooms which begins “What does it smell like? Death? Or a summers meadow?” Well the boys I know all have bathrooms that smell like a packet of cheap ham when you open it. What does that tell me about them apart from a questionable diet?

Definitely bought them for birdwatching…

I have learnt a few things though. Such as when a boy asks you over to ‘watch a movie’ he wants to have sex with you. I didn’t know this- I even took over cookies as a friendly gesture. I left in a bit of a huff and in my outraged ‘storming off’ forgot to take the biscuits.

When asking my friends what they have learnt about boys these are the following gems of wisdom they came up with:

1. Do not go over to a boy’s house when you are drunk and they are sober and ring on their doorbell until they come and see you. They don’t want to see you. You are a mess.

2. Do not ring up the boy you fancy and sing ‘Womanizer’ down the phone.  Ever.

3. Do not pursue a relationship in which the person tells you they are ‘falling for you’/think you should go on holiday together ON THE NIGHT YOU MET THEM.  Ummm excuse me? DON’T ignore those alarm bells or you will end up in an awkward breaking up situation a few days later with far too many tears (not from you).

4.  Do not stay behind at a party under the pretence of ‘tidying up’- you will end up smashing many bottles by drunkenly stumbling around and then go home and eat an entire tube of barbeque pringles. Not that I would know or anything.

5. When a boy is naked, smothering Lenor washing lotion onto his body, it is time to leave.

6. Do not get drunk, chip your tooth and call your boyfriends mum at 3am crying hysterically.

7. Do not accidentally drunk text the house phone saying ‘my boobs miss you’. The house phone will read out the text in an automated voice for the whole family to enjoy.

8. When a boy texts you saying ‘Haha I love it when you’re off your face” do not reply “I love it when I’m on your face.”

Such a wealth of knowledge after three years. So there you have it dear Tab readers, my do’s but mainly don’t of seducing men. I think we can safely say the key is to never ever get drunk again.