Five reasons not to stay friends with your ex

Your ex is a wanker…why are you still friends?

| UPDATED staying friends

With every break up comes the dubious pleasure of a new friendship. For the dumper, it seems like a pretty sensible proposition: you won’t feel so guilty, and if you change your mind in the morning, they’re still pretty up for it.

As for the dumpee, you’ve lost all control over the situation and agree to remain friends because, that way, you still have an excuse to stalk the person who knows absolutely everything about you (and they have just suggested you hook up once more for old time’s sake, so there’s definitely still hope if you stay friends).

But this friendship is doomed from the start. You agree the split was mutual (it wasn’t), tell everyone you’re both fine and continue hanging out together in the most awkward situations. You put yourself through the pain of being nice to someone you don’t want to see (you broke up for a reason) and use your ‘I’m totally fine with this’ face so many times it might have stuck that way.

Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, here are five reasons why you should never, EVER, stay friends with your ex:

1. You’ve seen them in their birthday suit, but more importantly, they’ve seen you in yours. They know all about your bits and bobs and all the funny things you’ve got going on down there. No topic is taboo within the friend zone, and no one wants those strange ‘noises’ becoming general matey banter. And you really, really don’t want that other thing to crop up in ‘I have never…’

2. Never forget how neglected certain regions can become when you’re in a comfortable relationship, and it’s probably their lasting memory of you. Now you’re single and making a bit more of an effort down there, but they don’t know you’ve given yourself that optional extra inch/Brazilian.

3. You’re naturally going to want to impress them, which is only going to go two ways… They might be your ex turned new best friend, but they still need reminding how hot you are. However, a brand new hair style and a pair of Spanx are not going to turn them green with envy. Guaranteed, it will either:

– Turn you into a bunny boiler when it all goes unnoticed because they’ve managed to beat you to it and look even sexier.
– You end up shagging again.

Not the best way to stay friends with your ex.

4. ‘Just so you know, with us, it’s never off the table.’ Hello Ross and Rachel, the one couple who managed to break up again and again and again and still stay friends in the end.

5. You have to pretend to be chuffed when they pull. Obviously, you are not ‘chuffed’ as they’ve beaten you to it. Again. It seems his extra inch and her chicken fillets really have done the trick; so rather than stand around while they go on about it, remind yourself of the crucial fact you’re now ‘friends’ without the benefits, cut the awkward situation and move on.

You’re allowed to stew over how scrubby his new girl is or how wimpy her new bloke is with someone other than your ex and without the “I thought you were cool with this” scenario.

And just in case you still need convincing, remind us why you don’t talk to your ex anymore?