The Library Demographic
Clare is spending too much time in the library. She reports on the various stereotypes spotted since she was last seen cupping a thermos mug on the top floor of ASSL…
It is a truth universally acknowledged that the British love a good moan.
I am no exception to this rule. I yell at my television, I turn to others standing in a queue and complain loudly about customer service and I like to sit next to old people on the train and engage in a friendly game of ‘who can make the most outrageously exaggerated statement over the price of stamps these days’. And don’t get me wrong, I love Cardiff, but I do strongly feel like a dark cloud has (literally) come over the city. It’s the Mid-term blues.
The nights are drawing in; an observation that prompted a friend to make the comment “I feel sorry for people who work in Hollister, they must never see the light.” True and they have to say horrendously cringe statements as soon as you step over the threshold. Poor, poor beautiful people. We are all getting colds from being inside our own homes, none of my shoes are waterproof so I fear getting trench foot and due to ‘Movember’, Cardiff boys all suddenly look like rapists/paedophiles.
Everyone just seems a bit miserable this week. The smug wankers who get a ‘reading week’ (read: half term) have buggered off home and despite the fact I should be one of these wankers, the cruel mistress that is the Arts and Social Studies Library has held me in her clutches.
Becoming a regular at the library has resulted in being slightly too comfortable in there. It’s got to the point where I believe I can wear/do whatever I like. Most days I look like I have got dressed drunk or fallen into my wardrobe and just covered my naked body in the most comfortable clothes I could find, or I’m dressing like an eccentric art teacher for the day. I also totally take hot drinks to the top floor. What of it?
And whilst I stare at my blank screen I can’t help but people watch and judge. So instead of writing an essay I have compiled a list for you lovely Tab readers to try and spot on the on the Library safari:
- The girl who wears false eye lashes to the library. Boys won’t get this but honestly fake lashes are the biggest bitch to put on. The whole process normally involves hundreds of cotton buds, a few tears, temporally gluing your eyelid shut and having to endure a bit of it coming off and poking you in the eye all night long. This girl is also found in the gym on the cross trainer not letting the chubbies have a go.
- The next ‘spot’ is rare but extremely annoying. This is the person in the ‘Elounge’ who gets out a Tupperware tub, opens the lid and releases a stench that makes you question whether the person is in fact eating faeces.
- The two girls crying with laughter over something ‘hysterical’ on their laptops. I normally flick into librarian mode and give them a cold hard stare. How dare they distract me from my Facebook stalking…
- The Hipsters. Identifiable by caps worn forward instead of the Rugby boys backwards style. Most likely overheard saying “Oh my cardigan? It’s from a little vintage shop that you wouldn’t know and you properly wouldn’t be cool enough to go in.” Or something highly pretentious about music such as “Skrillex killed dubstep, it’s all about future garage these days”.
- Rugby boys. Easy to spot due to behavioural pattern of using a protein shaker as a water bottle and having blue toes due to refusal to take off flip flops despite extreme Cardiff weather conditions.
- This one is so dangerous that it would be best to shoot them straight away: The couple. The library is a house of learning. It is not a suitable place to have a date, kiss or book holidays to Paris together. You will be receiving a punch in the face. Promptly.
Happy hunting Tab readers and if anyone wants to bring me treats, I’ll be on the top floor of the library. Cool.