Five dates, five days…

To be honest Tab readers I really don’t know why I don’t have a boyfriend…

Without trying to sound like a traitor to my sex; girls can be fucking crazy and insanely deluded and I honestly don’t think I’m that bad. Except when I genuinely believed I was the spitting image of Britney Spears at eleven years old. I wasn’t.  And yes, sometimes I can be emotionally fragile at that sensitive time of the month. But who isn’t?! A friend on her gap year ran to the supermarket hysterically crying, threw down a packet of jumbo tampons and a bar of chocolate and screamed ‘IS IT OBVIOUS?!” at the poor tiny Thai women cashier.

Twins: Britney & I. I know, basically the same person.

Therefore, I’ve pin pointed my single status down to one factor: the thought of dating makes me feel queasy and as a result I tend to pick holes in every guy who has asks me on a date. I haven’t texted a boy back before because he said he felt a bit ‘pooey’ that day. Yuck.

So my week of five blind dates in five days is over and I’m emotionally drained seeing as I pretty much cried every day with nerves. I even resorted to drinking a glass of lambrini before my first date for dutch courage. Alcohol can go one of two ways; you will either be filled with such confidence that you convince yourself that you are the most interesting and sexy person and everyone wants a piece of you OR you will cry hysterically over how much you love your dog, Waggles, whilst your date searches frantically for the nearest escape. This happened to my friend Lucy.

The only sausage I get on a night out…

After entering the traumatic and terrifying world of dating I have learnt a number of things:

My first date showed me that there are some nice boys in Cardiff. This is something that I had lost faith in after three years witnessing the club creeps at the greasing pit that is the Student Union. My friend who came to visit put this perfectly: “never in my whole life have I been asked so openly for sex than in Cardiff”. And it is true; Cardiff boys appear to believe if they are wearing a sports tie, buy you a drink and tell you you’re pretty, you will be more than willing to go back with them and ‘watch a film’. Oh wait…. that totally works on me as I lost my self respect circa fresher’s 2010.

My friends don’t quite get the concept of a blind date. Being set up with a guy who I have known for around six years and has dated one of my best friends doesn’t really count. Good one. However, I had a lovely time gossiping about mutual friends and hearing about his housemate who is in custody for biting a girls finger off.

When you walk towards your decided meeting spot and all you see is an obese Asian man, a couple and a group of girls, you want to run away. My date was slightly late but it certainly got my heart pounding (not quite in the way I had hoped it would on the actual date, though).

Your friends use certain words to calm your pre-date nerves and avoid being mean about the boy before you’ve even met him. I worked out these codes fairly early on. When a guy is ‘really sweet’ he is nice but dull. When he has an ‘odd sense of humour’ he is socially inept. When he is a ‘bit odd’, don’t bother turning up. If you do, be warned that it may lead to you being forced to cease friendship with the person who set you up.

The most awkward moment of these dates is always the goodbye. Without alcohol to loosen your social inhibitions there is a horrendous moment of uncomfortable silence whilst you ponder whether you should ask for each other’s numbers, go for a hug or even a cheeky peck on the cheek. I normally went for a patronising pat on the arm. Solid, friendly, neutral…a bit like a kind auntie.

Fancy dress is the ultimate ice breaker. When a boy came up to me and opened with the line “I bet you have never been on a date with Batman before” I knew the next couple of hours wouldn’t be too horrendous. Just to clarify he was dressed up for work after our meeting, not just because he thought it would be funny. Although that probably would have worked too.

The winner of the weirdest date goes to my final date who took me to town in his van, admitted he was “going to get me drunk” and talked about his man crush on Ryan Gosling.

So sadly, I did not find the love of my life on these dates but frankly, I have learnt that I’m not really willing to give up my single life just yet.

I’m far too happy face raping boys in clubs and not having to shave my legs.