Choose Hockey, it’s carnage!

The Tab uncovers cringeworthy document for freshers

Ever looked at the hockey boys and thought to yourself, “man those guys know how to party”.

The Guide 2012-2013

Well in Bristol it’s official: the hockey club is the ‘finest social events organisation in the entire Universe.’

The club’s cringeworthy 2012-2013 season guide makes a compelling argument to ‘Choose Hockey’ for the good of your social life.

The document starts very sensibly. The reader is introduced to the committee and told that ‘though it may appear that the social secs are just constantly getting lashed, there is a level of organisation involved’. There is a list of the year’s fixtures.

Next, though, is ‘The Social Guide’, a manual containing some of the best chat and banter ever created.

Under titles like ‘Hockey is Carnage’ and ‘Imbibing is Paramount’. the guide takes you through everything you need to know to survive a UBMHC social. This ranges from a ‘bottle and four’ (a bottle of port/wine and four cans of lager to be consumed on every away bus journey), to answering the question: ‘what happened after I nailed that final SnakieB?’

Imbibing is paramount: nail/slam everything you can.

One important lesson to all UBMHC freshers is to always wear your club tie, the most ‘prized possession in your wardrobe’. And what if you’re lucky enough to find female company for the night?

‘Nailing women on a Wednesday night is much the same as nailing vessels on a Wednesday night: it must be done in your club tie.’

That clears that up then.

After listing a number of games such as ‘Sicilian’ and ‘Pizzazz’, which all involve in some way or another the nailing of jars of SnakieB, there is the club song sheet. This is a collection of wonderfully offensive sports songs covering a range of topics from necrophilia to AIDS that are no doubt belted out on Wednesday nights with great volume.

Choose f**king big hangovers on Thursdays, it’s a no brainer!

Unfortunately the pages of the guide are so well written that we’d need to print it all to do it justice. But if ‘fucking big hangovers on Thursday mornings’ and ‘humiliating the rugby club’ are your kind of thing, you’re clearly at the wrong university.