Nine things to do in Cambridge if you’re chronically single

Including but not limited to playing ‘Dancing on my own’ on repeat and crying.

If you’re lucky enough to have locked eyes with your twin flame across the wine aisle at Mainsbury’s, this article isn’t for you. If, however, you’re currently contemplating downloading Tinder (just for a joke, right?) or social-media stalking that one semi-attractive person you glimpsed through the mist of sweat at Revs in the hope that you might be soulmates, come on in. You’re so valid. 

Embrace academia

This is where you pull a full Rory Gilmore – “who cares if I’m pretty if I fail my exams?” Discard all conceptions of a physical existence and become purely a mind – this is what Cambridge is for! Replace romantic validation with academic validation and get the ego boost you deserve. 

Libraries are the least romantic places known to man (image credit: Martha Vine)

Go solo punting

Not only is this a good way to exercise, you’ll also look cool and mysterious as you boat down the Cam, overtaking all the couples who are foolishly slowed down by walking arm in arm. Plus, if you need to cry, sobbing into the river is always a valid option. 

Write a Crushbridge about yourself

Nobody needs to know! Bonus points if it’s a poem. Might as well make it classy.

In case anyone needed inspiration, here’s the William Wordsworth of Crushbridge (Image credit: author’s own screenshot via Facebook)

Become a rower

Niche, yes, but effective? Also yes. Getting up before the actual sun is guaranteed to make you so irritable you’ll actually forget to worry about being fundamentally unlovable. And when your cuffed friend makes an unnecessary joke about not getting enough sleep you’ll be able to relate (for way, way less fun reasons).

Spotted: a rare instance of a rower smiling (Image credit: Martha Vine)

Walk to Girton 

Headphones in, All Too Well blasting, just let it out. I know someone who likes to do the hour-and-a-half odyssey in the middle of the night, and I respect that – whatever you’ve got to do to feel alive! And I’m not sure what’s between Cambridge and Girton (Fields? Sheep? Just an uninhabited wasteland?) but, to paraphrase Alien, “on the walk to Girton, no-one can hear you scream,” which makes it ideal to let out those cries of heartbroken anguish.

Drown your sorrows at Cafe Nero

The amount of Neros in Cambridge is genuinely lethal – you’re minding your own business, walking down the street, then BAM, a Nero appears out of nowhere. Avoid coffee (aphrodisiac) and go for a hot chocolate instead to give you a warm feeling in your chest that could be mistaken for love. 

Bonus points if you can identify which Nero this is (Image credit: Martha Vine)

Buy a college puffer

Sometimes retail therapy is the only way to claw your dignity back, and it’s not really Cambridge unless you’re buying something with a shockingly-in-your-face logo just to prove that you really do go here. Whoever said money can’t solve your problems must not have had anything with a heraldic crest plastered across the chest (thank you, Ariana). And, you tell yourself, now people will know what college you go to if they do write a Crushbridge about you. So really, you had to have that £27 fleece. 

Get a puffer so big it’s the ideal substitute for a hug (Image credit: Ishaan Anand)

Stare at the Corpus Christi Clock

Because no matter how unhappy you are, you know at least you’ll never be so rock bottom as to design a monument with a massive, evil-looking grasshopper as the centrepiece. And, fun fact, the Latin motto underneath basically translates to ‘time passes and we all die,’ which you can mutter under your breath every time you see anyone walking down King’s Parade holding hands.

Write a Tab article about being chronically single

Speaks for itself, doesn’t it.

Feature image credits: Sophia Adamson

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