5 Cambridge moments that brought me close to tears this week

There were many more, but I left them out for your sake

This has been a really long week.

Finding out that my college bar ran out of Jäger

There are two things I love more than anything – patriotism and Jägerbombs. Therefore, as a proud representative of “Live, Laugh, Lucy Cav,” I am not ashamed to propagate its subtle superiority at every gathering I go to.

Usually, I have the wonderful opportunity to combine my two passions by sitting in my college bar and enjoying a Jägerbombs on a quiet Monday (or Tuesday, or Wednesday, etc.) night – or any other time of day, actually – all while basking in the glory of my college.

However, last Thursday night came as a rude awakening. When I asked our legendary bartender, Ben – he’s a really cool guy, looks a bit like Fezco from Euphoria, come to the Lucy bar for a meet and greet – for my usual, he only shrugged his shoulders in pity and broke the shocking news – “No Jäger this week.” As any dignified, functional human would do, I drowned my sorrows in cider instead.

Tears I shed: 8/10

That is my bookshelf. I aim to have an equal number of jaeger bottles and books by the end of term.

Chipping my tooth while trying to open a Kopparberg without a bottle opener

Okay, so this one is relatively self-explanatory. I had a long day; I was very excited to “crack open a cold one with the boys” but I was also way too lazy to get up and get a bottle opener.

Additionally motivated by the thought that bottle openers are for the weak, I attempted the stunt, which, as you can tell by the title of the article, didn’t end well. I didn’t even open the bottle, which was even more embarrassing as I had to go get a bottle opener after all. My friends were very disappointed. Their opinion on the matter? That I’m “dumb as hell” – which was pretty deserved, to be honest, they did all warn me.

Tears I shed: 4/10

This is actually clickbait because what you see on the image isn’t my tooth. 

Watching the entire new season of “Too Hot to Handle”

I don’t want to talk about it. All I am going to say is that it consists of ten episodes that are 45 minutes each. You do the maths (no, seriously, you do it, I do humanities and barely remember what a number is).

Tears I shed: 5/10 (it would have been more, but the ending was actually quite wholesome)

This is me trying to hold onto my last shreds of dignity.

Having a long, hard look at myself in the mirror

This is something my friend told me to do after our conversation about my bank account. I don’t blame her, but I really don’t see how it would make my allowance magically spawn back on my card.

The advice, however, was much appreciated as I did look incredibly dishevelled that day. It motivated me to wash the two-day-old make-up off my face and eat some vegetables to avoid blending in with the white walls of my accommodation.

All in all, this was a cute little activity that triggered some much-needed self-reflection and made me feel like an edgy, self-aware lady.

Tears I shed: 1/10 (literally YOLO, no regrets, I’ll learn from my mistakes later)

Not a single thought behind those sunglasses. 

Getting two cheeky little stripes on my COVID test

This was definitely the biggest L I’ve taken so far.

Frankly, I feel quite disrespected because I had crazy plans for the beginning of this term. For example, my friend (shoutout to Miranda, the Tab Tiktok manager) and I bought a dingy off Facebook Marketplace hoping to sail it down the Cam, but this adventure now has to be postponed.

I now go by Bear Grylls because living like this required me to improvise, adapt and overcome. Drop me a DM if you want meal prep advice. 

Additionally, I must remind you that I have already watched the latest season of “Too Hot to Handle” so it now feels like a bit of a waste. I also have very strange preferences when it comes to food, so it takes me a lot of courage to send my friend (shoutout to Jess, I owe you big time) a list of groceries consisting of “canned corn, canned peaches and chicken broth.” This has therefore been a very humbling experience that has temporarily turned my life into basic existence.

In many ways, I have turned into a virus myself as I feed only thanks to my friends, who occasionally bring me raw vegetarian haggis that I cannot cook due to an absence of an oven in my room. Similarly to a parasite, I definitely do not tick all the seven characteristics of living organisms (such as movement, growth, and reproduction).

Tears I shed: 9/10 (I could rank it as a 10, but I will come out of this experience with unprecedented vitality and antibodies)

This image represents the vicious cycle that I go through on a daily basis. 

All images are the author’s own.

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