How to cope with being a single Cambridge student this Valentine’s Day
Toope didn’t want to be my Valentine :((
It’s that time of year again when you find yourself surrounded by adverts full of roses and happy couples. Yet there you are, hardly seeing anyone at the moment, let alone seeing anyone at the moment.
Are you struggling to come to terms with the fact that your romantic life is going nowhere (I mean, let’s face it, it probably never existed in the first place)? You’re most likely seeking out ways to distract yourself from this somewhat miserable revelation. So, here are a few tips for the lonely Cambridge student this Valentine’s Day.
1. Write yourself a Crushbridge
Crushbridge, the answer to absolutely everything in my view. Would it even be a Tab Features article without a Crushbridge reference? But, seriously, writing yourself a Crushbridge could be the perfect substitute for any romantic encounter this Valentine’s Day.
If you’re struggling for inspiration, how about something along the lines of: “ZCG @ G, your Tab articles make my heart race; I wish you could have been mine”? Then sit back and relax as your Facebook friends tag you and for a few seconds you might actually feel loved.
2. Watch a Romantic Film & Cry
If escapism is what you need in your life right now, then a film could be the answer to distract yourself from all of your problems (for two hours, at least). Feel all your stress melt away, as you watch other people fall in love, develop unrealistically high expectations about your own love life, realise how alone you are, have an existential crisis about whether anyone will ever love you, and… cry.
AND if you happen to be missing those Cambridge vibes, allow us to recommend The Theory of Everything, and let Stephen Hawking show you how a Cambridge student gets a girlfriend without sacrificing their academic rigour.
3. Get your academic rigour on
It’s Stephan Toope’s birthday on Valentine’s Day so what better opportunity to celebrate with him than to indulge in some of that Cambridge academic rigour he wants to see in us all? Open up a good old book (or if you’re a STEM student do whatever you do), and brush aside your emotions with the endless intellectual challenges that Cambridge offers you. I’m sure you’ll soon forget that you’re even single.
Let me put it another way: “Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?” “The dates in this Roman history book are enough for me, thank you very much!” Tell yourself that enough times and you’re bound to buy it eventually.
4. Do some Arts & Crafts
Lockdowns are the ideal time to take up an impressive-sounding hobby, and arts and crafts are a great way to unwind. Why not learn to sew a voodoo doll of your ex? Nothing is more relaxing than stabbing and jabbing at a small figurine to inflict eternal agony upon somebody you loved.
You could even ask a Classicist or an ASNAC to help you write a curse to ward off evil spirits (or your workload)! They’ll be delighted to be asked since this is one of the only things their degrees are actually useful for.
5. Share your pain with fellow Cambridge singletons
At times like these, it’s important to remember that you are not alone in being alone! Take this opportunity to share your sense of loneliness with your friends and (at least pretend to) appreciate that being in a relationship is not a necessity right now!
So sit down, invite your friends to have a chat on Zoom, log onto Minecraft Education for a few hours (free of charge to all University members), and just have the time of your life while you’re free from any commitment to a real and meaningful romantic relationship.
6. Sharpen that Zoom Set up
One way to alleviate the pain of being alone this Valentine’s Day is to ensure that you won’t be single next year. So make that Zoom backdrop count!
Why not drape some fairy lights around your desk? A photo wall of you and your friends in Cambridge will convince your crush that you’re actually popular. Artfully position some (hopefully alive?) pot plants behind your desk to give off the vibe that you’re some kind of mystical nature goddess.
And most importantly of all, you must ensure that a selection of extremely intellectual and impressive-looking books are on your shelf. This is Cambridge, after all! Everyone will be looking for academic rigour in their future love interest. (Note: actually reading the books is not compulsory.)
7. Just Ignore It
You can, of course, completely ignore the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day. Why bother even making any change to your usual uni routine? You could instead choose to spend the day doing completely normal “Cambridge-Student-does-online-term” things: lying in bed for far too long, crying because you’ll never see Cindies again and eating way too much chocolate.
We are in a global pandemic right now and quite frankly coping day to day is much more important than finding true love at the moment. In the end, console yourself with the fact that it’s all just a marketing ploy for shops to sell more flowers and for student journalists to recycle old content but “make it Valentine’s”.
Feature Image Credit: Zac Copeland-Greene and Author’s Screenshot from Spotify