Okay Zoomer: Types of Cambridge students in online supervisions

Tag yourself, I’m the big fat mess

Stressed, bored and lonely, students tend to be a bit weird sometimes. Stuck at home for a whole term, it’s only natural that this’ll be multiplied by about 100. As we enter the strange new world of online supervisions, we need to be prepared to discover a new side to our supo partners – and ourselves. Luckily, I’ve compiled a list, so you’ll know exactly what to expect.

The pet parent

They think that being at home this term is a blessing in disguise, because they can spend more time with their pets. Paying attention to your supervisor is impossible when there is a cat walking in front of their camera. Taking notes is even more difficult, when said cat decides to attack a pen and you can see the whole fight. But what makes it all worthwhile is that they will probably introduce you to their pets during the supo, shortening the amount of time you actually have to focus on the work.

Here you can see your supo partner trying to focus while their fluffy son steps on their laptop (Photo Credit: Marina Mateo)

The snacker

Key quote: “Yum yum Doritos let’s bake cookies for the fourth time this week!”

They’re probably done with life, and trying to kill time by eating away their feelings until they can go and be sad outside. You will hear a crunch in the background of the supo: this is the sound of munching and hopelessness.

The living image of resignation, they don’t even own a notebook anymore

The ‘I have no WiFi’ fraud

We all know that they live in Chelsea, buy M&S organic olives on a regular basis and went to boarding school: there is no way they don’t have WiFi at home. If you are this fraud, stop playing The Sims and leaving your supo partner stranded!

If they ever turn up to a supo, this is all you’ll see since their camera is conveniently broken

The pyjama lover

We all thought they had their shit together until they stood up. Nice top, bit weird that you’re wearing it with pyjama pants though. At least you’re wearing something… so, well done, I guess?

Interesting outfit choice to show on camera…

The intense athlete

They work out every day during lockdown and are distraught that the supervision has interrupted their daily Youtube HIIT routine. Having discovered muscles they didn’t know existed, they feel ready to get a blue next year. They will probably immediately stop working out once they can actually go outside, forgetting about their newfound dreams rather quickly.

Yes that is a 1kg weight, I am very strong

The big fat mess

I’m not sure if they are actually winning at life or if I should be concerned. No one remembers their face. Do they even exist? Is life a simulation? Did Bush do 9-11? Answering the real questions to fill the void they feel inside.

I have decided to continue life as a blob and I hope my supervisor agrees with my choice

The accidental family member

They walk in looking like a hermit while trying to find nail polish they haven’t seen since 1997. You will forever remember the look of fear in everyone’s eyes once they notice this unexpected visitor.

Screencap from the new Paranormal Activity movie

The made-up overachiever

They are thriving in lockdown and have already finished revising for exams. They have also written a best-selling novel, started developing a coronavirus vaccine, and also managed to find the time to do their makeup every day. Probably having an internal breakdown, but they’re hiding it very well behind red lipstick.

They will have 8 different highlighters ready before you even open your laptop

The one who really misses uni

They will wear stash in every supervision and will seem overly excited to see you. Their Instagram feed during the next six months will exclusively contain posts captioned #tbt. Maybe check on them a bit more often?

Probably cries out of joy when they get Toope’s emails

Extra: The Glitchy Supervisor

Zoom doesn’t like them and neither does Skype. You haven’t heard their voice in 10 minutes but are too scared to say anything. They are trying their hardest and probably need a hug.

Why do bad things happen to good people

All image credits to Marina Mateo