Nine tips for getting more out of online relationships

With the current COVID-19 pandemic, more people are taking to self-isolation and quarantine indefinitely; this will likely soon be government-mandated. Public health also depends on reducing large get-togethers, so calling off the Friday night pub trip is the responsible thing to do. Luckily, we have the internet to keep us connected while we are physically apart. As an introverted zoomer who has been doing mainly online relationships since I was a 12-year old, I have some simple tips for upping the quality of our online relationships.

1. React to *ALL* the messages someone sends you

Whether that’s Facebook messenger’s reaction emojis, Skype’s plus button, or WhatsApp’s ‘reply’ feature, try to react to everything someone sends you – or, at a minimum, one message per batch you receive.

Even if it’s just a thumbs up to show you are reading their words, reaction creates a deeper rapport. It’s the online equivalent of facing towards someone, making eye contact, and nodding as someone speaks (without the effort!!). So laugh react the mildly amusing sentence you just read, even if you are not laughing out loud. Which brings me to…

2. Laugh out loud, cry out loud, talk out loud

When you’re messaging people, try emoting and verbalising. Have a conversation out loud to your phone as well, or speak words as you are writing them. It might make you feel a bit strange at first, but stick with it and you will find that going through the motions of physical activity keep the social parts of your brain engaged.

3. Voice memos can increase intimacy

Sharing short (less than 1 min) voice memos can be a great way to talk to someone, or to up the intimacy of a written conversation at the right time – think of this like a surprise. Your pal is telling you some good news over text? Imagine how nice it will feel when they hear your voice exclaiming with joy out loud in response. More emotional conversations tend to carry better over voices, where we can express more nuance. Speak with your device’s microphone pointed into your mouth for maximum capture of your unique timbre. Just don’t go overboard – remember that even six successive 1 min voice memos create a 6 min long listen for your convo partner!

4. If you video call, try hugging your device as if it were a person

After you’ve asked for a hug, press the camera right up towards your chest and hold it there for a few seconds. You might both get the same fuzzy feeling as in person – and after a few times, the satisfying feeling of both pulling away in sync! You can also play with kissing (towards) the camera, or caressing your camera with a finger (just keep it hygienic).

A demonstration of how to send and receive a virtual hug

5. Share an activity

Play those silly turn-taking Facebook games, or use an app like Words With Friends. Use a video synchroniser like Gaze to watch YouTube videos together in sync. Agree to both make a hot chocolate and have a catch up as if you’re going to the coffee shop together. Tag people in memes or articles as you’re messaging, and message about them as if you’d both just seen the same thing whilst walking around on the street together.

6. Create events for group chats

One group chat I was in had an unspoken ritual of sharing political commentary around 6pm every day, to the point where I’d log in excited to hear everyone’s spiciest takes each night. Another chat I was in used to have a ‘honey roast’ every Sunday morning, where we would go around and compliment each other, and I’d find myself saving up cute memes and gifs throughout the week to send when Sunday rolled around.

I also used to be part of an online gaming guild where we would have informal ‘raid’ days each week where we’d all try to get online for an hour together. Other informal ‘events’ I’ve been party to are trends like #ThrowbackThursday where everyone on my feed would be sharing old photos and bonding, across a much larger community of people’s socials. If we can do stuff like that outside of everyone being online, think how easy it would be to set up a regular movie watching night, online film discussion, reading group, or gaming meet. Suggest something to your friends even if it seems a little silly. Take part in online trends even if you’d usually wrinkle your nose at them – it’s the online equivalent of reacting to the news, the weather or the cultural calendar.

7. Join online groups, group chats and new platforms, even if you don’t think you’ll add anything

Even if my main contribution is a receipt reading ‘Seen by Chay and 141 others’, being present in an online space is another way of reminding people I exist and inviting them to reach out to me. It’s the online equivalent of turning up to your mate’s birthday drinks, even if you are tired and not in the mood for drinking. Just like in our offline lives, when people you know are doing stuff online, try to show your face (or profile picture) when you can!

A tip for online Facebook groups is to set your notifications to show you ‘Friends posts only’. This prevents you from getting spammed, but when a friend posts in a larger group, you will be notified and invited to view it. Give it a like or comment – and when they spot your reaction, it can emulate the chance feeling of bumping into someone at the library, gym or other public space.

8. Be creative

Internet boring? Everyone grumpy with the same unmet need? Why not go off and see if you can make something happen – be wild, the sky is the limit! I’ve heard of mind-blowing, experimental ideas such as people decorating their house with augmented reality, long distance Bluetooth sex toys that use biofeedback (NSFW!), and a music festival that takes place entirely on Minecraft.

The flotsam and jetsam of the internet is always popping off out of nowhere into mass appreciation. Put your ideas out there and see if something you’re doing locally might go viral. Start a Twitter hashtag. Make a meme. Set a trend.

9. Set expectations and boundaries

Unchecked, it can be hard to switch off online communication – because unlike face-to-face, there’s no clear-cut ‘off’ moment. Just like in face-to-face contact, be clear with others how your online communication is going, and work with them to get the most out of it. Be really direct, and don’t be afraid to talk about technical and accessibility features that might help you. Try simple phrases like “I can’t talk right now but will be online later”. A common request for some ‘online convo hygiene’ is asking “don’t send me too many messages if I’m not replying or else it will take me too long to read them and I will put it off”! Set and respect others’ boundaries, preferences and availability, especially if these relate to accessibility. Good online communication focuses on keeping everyone involved.