The Twelve Days of Bridgemas

Bring on the merriments


With Bridgemas fast approaching, the higher-ups at The Tab thought they should give you all a handy guide to enjoying the festivities with new and old friends here in Cam and then didn’t quite convey that to me, so you’ve ended up with this article. It’s super early, partly to build up the hype and Bridgemas spirit, but also because I got confused and thought the twelve days of Christmas started twelve days before Christmas rather than just on Christmas. The more you know.


Here’s what you can do to recreate the 12 days on your own time!

Google searching the lyrics gives you whatever version this is by acapella group Straight No Chaser.

Twelve Drummers Drumming

Just drum the table in the library. As long as you keep rhythm, people don’t mind, and when you stop, make sure you go back to typing really loud but also still in rhythm. If you’re near a keyboard now, genuinely try typing this paragraph out in time to Staying Alive. It’s fucking agonising.

Eleven Pipers Piping

Bring a set of bagpipes along to the aforementioned drumming session, because that’d be less distracting than the dick who always sits in the second computer bank of the Seeley.

Ten Lords a Leaping

Have a gorgeous pint at the Lord Byron Inn, 22 Church Lane, Trumpington, CB2 9LA. At the affordable price of just £85 a night for a double room, why not take a mini-trip to get away from the hustle and bustle of Cambridge life? We’re not sponsored.

Nine Ladies Dancing

If I wasn’t taking this article seriously, I’d just write the easy answer, which is Cindies.

Eight Maids a Milking

We all know what the milking a cow action mimics, lads ? – pottery. There’s nothing like the sensation of using one hand, possibly both if the size is right, to perfection, feeling the moist but hard surface, and gazing in satisfaction when your work is done after having a wank in the corner of a pottery class.

Seven Swans a Swimming

Butcher a swan. Nb only applies to St John’s fellows and the queen, who according to our metrics are this article’s target audience.

Look at its lil mouth

Six Geese a Laying

Get laid and then get a FREE STI, ANONYMOUS, HOME STI CHECK from iCash. I wrote a whole article about this a while ago but no-one fucking read it so here we are.

Five Gold Rings

Go and listen to the CU Guild of Change Ringers. Bell-ringing is mental. There’s a team of seven with a bell each and there are shows called full peals that are three hours long. Genuinely, big up the bell-ringing society. Absolute bollocks that dressage is in the Olympics and this doesn’t make the cut.

Four Calling Birds

Get those booty calls going! Could be to birds, could be to guys, could be to otherwise identifying folks, could be to women who pretty reasonably don’t want to be referred to as birds.

Three French Hens

Same thing with birds/boys/others, but this time lure them in with fruit.

Two Turtle Doves

To mimic the speed of a turtle, watch Homerton’s M2 boat. Apparently I read the metrics wrong and most of our readers are rowers, which is a common mistake because like the queen they’re always fairly wet.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

A partridge in a pear tree. Don’t fuck with the classics!

ALL TOGETHER NOW,

Twelve twats drumming a table,

Eleven bagpipes in a library,

Ten pints at Lord Byron’s,

Nine ladies at cindies,

Eight hot wanks in the corner of a pottery class,

Seven butchered swans,

Six STI checks,

FIVE GOLD RING(ers),

Four booty calls,

Three booty calls with fruit,

Homerton’s M2,

And a partridge in a pear tree!

And here's what we recorded in the Tab studio!

Have a gorgeous Bridgemas everyone – remember, there's only three weeks til the holidays.

Bonus round; Alan Partridge in a pear tree.

Photo credits:

Swan – maxpixel.net, copyright by MaxPixel.

Alan Partridge – copyright by Bait and Switch 2007-2019.