Things to do instead of going to lectures

A practical guide


That burnout time of year is upon us; a time when lecture turnout is at an all-time low, and all work must be approached in a roundabout way.

Whilst you lack the enthusiasm of the marathon runners from a few days back, you have the enthusiasm to do something – anything – but work. Here are a few ideas to get you started on the procrastination train to a third.

Watch TV

We’ll start with a basic one – get Netflix. If you can’t afford it/be arsed, iPlayer has quality content, (putlocker has most stuff if you look for it), and if you’re really desperate, go for the estranged bastard child that is All4.

Research ways to procrastinate

It’s a little meta, but worthwhile. Also, while researching, you can learn things; did you know that perfectionism can trigger procrastination? The theory goes that by believing everything must be done perfectly, you overwhelm yourself and become frustrated/paralysed by your own impossible standards. Hmm.

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Change your default search engine to Ecosia

Ecosia is an Internet search engine based in Berlin, Germany, that plants trees by donating at least 80 per cent of its surplus income to non-profit organisations that focus on reforestation and conservationism. Ecosia considers itself a social business, is CO2-neutral,[3]claims to support full financial transparency,[4] protects the privacy of its users[5] and is certified by B-Lab as a benefit corporation.[6]

Chat to your friend about whether Jess from down the corridor is actually vegan this time or whether she’ll break on seeing those blessed cheesy chips

She’ll break. She says she won’t, but she said that last week and we didn’t believe her then.

Organise your desk in order of object size

You might be thinking – why do this?

Get back into Minecraft

Remember Minecraft? You’d spend days building a palace only for your school friend to log on to the server and put TNT everywhere because "it’s funny". It’s not funny.

Your supervision work

Christ. Maybe not.

Your supervision partner

There are numerous benefits to this. 1. You get to invite them over under the pretence of ‘discussing the work’ so you don’t feel like you’re wasting time. 2. The intimate understanding you two have built up over the course of the term will inevitably translate into the bedroom as an academically validating rimjob. 3. If you organise this now (viz. now), you’ll probably only have one more supervision with them before the only contact between you is awkwardly hugging in Life.

Masturbate

It’s a good stress reliever, and even if you’re not stressed, it’s healthy and fun. Here’s a Tab article from a while back with what we’ve decided are the best porn sites for women, here are some blatantly unsexy Tab columns to get you in the mood, and here’s a link to Pornhub.

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XXX

Masturbate to your supervision work

If you get this right, you’ll end up with a Pavlovian response to your Russian physiology work – viz you’ll end up getting aroused by your supervision work and thus be more willing to do that instead of procrastinating by reading list articles of a questionable quality. Of course, if you get this wrong, you’ll just have masturbated to your Russian physiology reading and not gotten any immediately apparent benefits.

Masturbate to your supervision partner

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Oh god. Oh no.

Write a Tab article!

Just kidding. "Write for us, Matt", they said. "You’ll have fun". It’s 16:48 and I’m halfway through my fourth beer. I’m so lonely.