News Column Week 6: Faeces and the freedom of the press

We love the first amendment and fertiliser!

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Clare's gardens enjoy some extra fertiliser

Clearly inspired by the events of last week (and last term), a member of Clare has decided to contribute to the ubiquity of poo-related news in Cambridge.

In perhaps the weirdest message that has ever been sent to a Freshers' group chat, a Clarite asked if they were legally liable for the hedge outside their room: hoping to ensure they weren't responsible for the defecation they'd found on it.

Grim.

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Moral of the story: always read contracts in case someone poos outside your room (poo emoji by U3103844 licence; shock emoji licence).

Perhaps most disconcerting was the question 'Did u shit in the shrubs again?'.

Why is faeces legitimately a recurring issue at this university???

The Tab versus Shadab (clash of the titans amiright)

The current CUSU Access Officer, Shadab, is not happy with The Tab's decision to cut sabbatical officers from the BNOC list.

The CUSU sabb even nominated himself for the list, calling on his supporters to do the same in an act of "protest" against the "travesty". Sorry hunni. It's not happening.

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We think you're great, you're just not a legitimate BNOC.

In response to the protests, Tab Cambridge Editor-in-Chief, Ellie, said: "We will not buckle to your shit pressure, Shadab".

The freedom of the press lives on; to his great sadness, Shadab's chances of making the BNOC list do not.

Emma's creating a home-grown BNOC list

In YET ANOTHER threat to The Tab, Emma is producing its own college-based BNOC list.

Whilst the move has been fantastic for The Tab Cambridge's collective ego (do we count as social media influencers now?), we'd like to warn Emma that legal action will be taken against this infringement of our copyright. Angry reacts only.

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TREASON (Photo by David Liff, source & licence).

Legal action threatened in the queue for comic sans men

Prior to a performance of comic sans men last week, the queue for entering the ADC became so lengthy it extended round the corner of the building.

Somewhat understandably, given how fantastic The Tab thought the comedy was, the would-be audience got a little (read: disproportionately) hot-headed. Threats to sue the ADC were even heard rising from the increasingly agitated queue. It's really not that deep, guys: it's a queue.

Medwards' dearth of JCR candidates

Every college has been there (except maybe Trinity). The day before the JCR elections, and half the positions are lacking a candidate – a dream for any aspirational CV-builders who wouldn't want to run against anyone but good ole' RON.

Medwards took this to new lengths with this week's JCR elections, as 12(!) positions lacked applicants on Thursday evening: 39 hours before nominations closed at 12pm on Saturday.

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Did Week 5 kill all the Medwards students? Is that why there were no applicants? Hope ur ok xx

We can all rest easy in the knowledge that all positions have now enjoyed applicants.

A light from beyond The Bubble…

So you've survived Week 5: but is Week 6 the real killer?

If you need a reminder of what the outside world is like, here is a wonderful video of a starling mumuration in Suffolk. Two and a half minutes of watching birds dance around the sky certainly won't finish your essay for you, but it certainly is good for the soul.

Cover image: Tom McGachie (as always). Overlain with riot image (source, licence) and poo emoji (U3103844 – source, licence).