Is Prime Minister Hugh Grant in Love Actually a Tory?

“Love, actually, is all around,” begins Richard Curtis’ beloved 2003 Christmas feel-good romcom, a film which expresses this heartwarming sentiment by: repeatedly fat-shaming a woman who is at most a size 8, dedicating an entire storyline to a sexual harasser achieving his Christmas wish (an orgy with a group of blonde, disposable American women), having a woman cheat on her husband (with her stalker) while he’s in the next room, and attempting to suspend disbelief that a child breaking through airport security a year after 9/11 wouldn’t be immediately shot on sight. The most puzzling question which arises upon watching this film (runner up: for what reason can Colin Firth and his Portuguese lady not be together right away? Why does she kiss him and then run away while crying? It can’t be the language barrier because they literally get engaged without ever having a single coherent conversation) (answer: bad editing), however, surrounds Prime Minister Hugh Grant.

The burning question: is he a Tory?

Fear not, fellow avid seasonal consumers of Love Actually (a film I will continue to watch exactly one million times every Christmas until I die, possibly of rage), because I have analysed every second of Prime Minister Grant’s tenure in order to answer this thorny political debate. This analysis will be as thorough as it is superficial (because Hugh Grant in Love Actually is nowhere near as hot as Hugh Grant in Four Weddings, who could never ever be a Tory because he is very, very hot, and the last hot Tory was Zac Goldsmith, and look what happened to him). It will be based entirely in fact – and much like fat-shaming and misogyny in Love Actually, the truth will be ALL AROUND (this article)*

*(this comparison is not entirely faultless, but neither was Curtis’ decision to give everyone except Emma Thompson and Laura Linney, the ONLY worthwhile characters, a happy ending).

The Case for PM Hugh Grant NOT being a Tory

Initial thoughts

He seems quite nice. At one point a Welsh lady says that she likes him.

The Tony Blair Angle

My mum, when I told her I was writing this article, thought he was meant to be based on Tony Blair, although in actual fact he is actually based on the Tory Prime Minister Ted Heath. Nonetheless, we will give my mum’s theory its due consideration:

– Jump (For My Love) is a song, and you know what ELSE is a song? New Labour’s campaign song, Things Can Only Get Better. Except, in Love Actually, things actually only get worse. January Jones sleeps with Kris Marshall! KRIS MARSHALL! JANUARY JONES!

– Tony Blair was Prime Minister when the film came out.

Which one is Hugh Grant? Which one is Tony Blair? Only 40 per cent of people can tell!

Further thoughts

– He is an outspoken feminist (doesn’t think Natalie is a grotesque monster, even going so far as to defend her at one point when he asks “Would we call her chubby?”).

– He has slightly more rhythm than Theresa May, although that dancing scene cannot fail but send a chill of remembrance down the spine of an audience in 2018.

– Likes fun (laughs at the Bill Nighy interview).

– Possibly a nudist (seems to enjoy the possibility of seeing Bill Nighy naked on camera. Not sure where this fits into the debate, but worth considering, probably.)

Okay, so now we've entertained that side of the debate, now we can move on to some actually convincing arguments.

PM Hugh Grant IS a Tory

Initial clues

Prime Minister Hugh Grant’s real name is ‘David’, he wears a blue tie at least once, and at one point he refers to Margaret Thatcher as a “saucy minx”. Not sure what that last one indicates, but Maggie really was a saucy minx when she brought in section 28!

Tory scale: 9/10 Camerons.

What Labour Prime Minister would commit the electoral suicide of a) having a framed portrait of Margaret Thatcher in their office AND b) admitting some kind of sexual attraction / admiration for her?

Government policies

According to Prime Minister Hugh Grant’s cabinet, the last administration had “bad policies”. A comment later in the film from Natalie indicates that the previous prime minister re-ran against Grant in the recent election (she says that she used to give him the biscuits without chocolate), so we can assume that the previous administration was a different party. However, Natalie is also meant to be new at Downing Street, and she also mumbles the four lines she has, because a woman’s desirability is inversely proportional to how much she speaks, so it’s very hard to tell at this stage.

Tory scale: ?????/10 Brexit deals.

Delving deeper

Further facts about Prime Minister Grant include:

– Advocates for police brutality (tells Natalie he will have the SAS kill her ex-boyfriend).

– Uses sugar-coated nationalism in order to get the general public on his side in making a dodgy and entirely ill-thought-out decision with absolutely no plan at all (hmm.)

– Does NOT do bondage (“I’ve never been able to tie a girl down.”)

– Is happy to prioritise his own ego and selfish needs over the general public (repeatedly belittles and ignores Emma Thompson, derails a children’s Nativity play, and did I mention his penchant for destroying international relations without a care for Britain’s future?)

– Does not defend his staff objectifying Natalie (also, think of all that taxpayer money going towards the prime minister and his aide sitting around talking about the tea-girl’s “sizeable arse” and “enormous thighs”.)

– Most damningly of all, is it possible that Grant’s request to “redistribute” Natalie (because women are commodities, remember!) is actually a thinly veiled order to “redistribute” tax cuts?

Note the blue tie

Definitely, because Prime Minister Hugh Grant is a huge Tory.

Fact.