What bad Christmas gift is your college?
The #facts you really need to know this Bridgemas
May no one say that The Tab Cambridge lets its hard-hitting journalism slip towards the end of term.
As I write this, some Cantabs are sipping mulled wine, relishing a lecture-less end to Week 8; some are planning to spend the last 48 hours left of term in the library binge-writing their procrastinated Week 7 essay (only after Onions and Wednesday Cindies, of course).
Something we all have in common, however, is the burning necessity to know which bad Christmas gift our colleges are. Luckily for you, The Tab is here to provide.
Girton, Homerton, Churchill, Fitzwilliam
– Any cool techie toy which only takes very specific battery types
Once you actually endure the faff of putting these gifts together – and sourcing 'D plus' batteries which you didn’t realise actually existed – they’re really quite cool. Much like the cycle to Girton, Homerton, Churchill or Fitz, however, you never actually get around to doing it.
Peterhouse, Gonville and Caius, Magdalene
– A three month ‘free trial’
Especially applicable to a ‘trial’ membership at a golf club or swanky gym. A very nice gift. A very well-meaning gift. The gift-giver is usually a sweet, old family member who doesn’t realise that you won’t be able to afford the membership once the trial runs out; this present almost guarantees an awkward conversation next Christmas when you have to politely explain that you were simply too poor to appreciate their gift in the long run.
– A bottle of wine
Much like an invitation to Clare Ents (or the offer of going anywhere with someone from Emma), you know it’s not the best interest of your degree or liver to accept this gift. All the same, you will absolutely never turn it down.
– A really cool book which you will never have time to read
The gift of intellectualism and also perpetual guilt: this gift offers a pathway to mind-expansion and true intelligence, but you will never have the time (or the desire) to actually read it. Parallels very neatly with how every other college (bar Trinity) feels when we look at Pembroke and Christ's stats on the Thompkin’s Table.
– A bright red Santa hat
Much like the assignment of something red to the red-brick college, this gift is one thing and one thing only: unimaginative.
All the mature colleges
– A cheque
Has anyone used a cheque since the 1990s?
Trinity, St John’s, King’s
Everyone pretends not to be impressed by socks, but we all secretly know that they are the best bad Christmas gift. These colleges definitely don't need the ego boost of being attributed the most glorious of the bad gifts but, y'know, #factsarefacts.
Trinity Hall, St Catharine’s, Downing
– Jewellery which is so expensive you’re afraid to wear it
Silver cufflinks, family heirlooms, gold pendants. These presents (and colleges) are beautiful, but will forever remain chronically underappreciated because they are hidden away – whether in jewellery boxes or behind Catz's excessively high front gates.
Newnham, Murray Edwards
Every uncle/grandad/male-cousin-once-removed’s favourite gift for a younger, female relative. Greatly appreciated, but will inevitably form part of a growing mass of unused bath-bombs and lavender soaps which will eventualy be re-gifted.
– A funky, ugly jumper
The only bad thing about this gift is the shame resultant from knowing that it is just too cool for you. Queen's and Jesus, I salute you.
With that, I say Merry Bridgemas to all and to all a good night! Please make sure to write a searingly furious Grudgebridge if you disagree with any of these assignments (or just comment below if you're feeling slightly less passive aggressive now the essay crises are over for 2018). And remember, just as there are no 'bad' colleges, there are no truly 'bad' Christmas gifts. Don't be a Scrooge.
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