In defence of inactivity

Contrary to unsubscribing from the mailing lists of the 50,000 societies that they signed up for at the Freshers' Fair (we all did it), some mad students are actually attending extracurriculars. But why? Why do things when not getting involved is in fact so much better? The benefits are incredible:

More time to study

Hahaha jokes. It just means that you can go to Wednesday Cindies and get (responsibly) trashed whilst your flatmate goes to bed at 10pm to rest up for their erg session the next morning. And then you can walk in at 5am, Gardi’s finest cheesy chips in hand, voice hoarse from belting the lyrics to Mr. Brightside, and have absolutely no regrets as they head out the door with a banana.

Less sport = more mems. Maths.

Sleep

They say that exercise is good for you, but rumour has it that this is actually a load of crap (medics don’t @ me). Want to know what is actually good for you? Sleep. Sleep is so wholesome. Sleep is in fact way better for you than any kind of sporting or social activity. Trust me. And doing less extracurriculars means that you have more time available for this highly rewarding and enjoyable pastime.

Health and safety

Getting involved in extracurriculars puts you at serious risk of injury and ill health. Fact. Take the boxing society participating in a Varsity knock out. Ooof. Shoving a bunch of O*ford and Cambridge students in a ring together screams fatal injury…

Or what about the rowers going out in the cold at 6am, putting themselves at risk of contracting hypothermia, frostbite or even (god forbid) the common cold. And don’t get me started on the Churchill brass band society. That wild gang are renowned for their rowdy and even riotous weekly meetings. Attend at your own risk.

It is actually in your own self interest that you leave your bedroom as little as possible. Safety first.

Extracurriculars this way

Laundry

You know those stinky students walking around campus? You know, the ones whose BO is so strong that it can be detected from all the way over at Homerton? That’s because they do sport. They’re so busy doing this sport that they don’t have time to wash their clothes. And each time they do sport their clothes get more and more stinky. Nightmare.

Being inactive means that you have the time and energy necessary to do your laundry. Not only is this great for your hygiene, but stats prove that it also makes you more likely to pull. Winner.

Netflix

Need I say more? Why waste your precious evening off from studying trekking to an extracurricular meeting when you can binge watch Peep Show in your pants for the 500th time?

Just rock up at the socials

Socials do seem to be a decent benefit of joining a society… But fear not, as an inactive (read: slightly lazy) student, you can in fact enjoy this perk by simply gate crashing such events. Just blag that your called Jo and you’re a NatSci student from Girton. Worked for me at the latest lacrosse swap…

I'm supposed to be here guys. Promise.

To the students who are as unsporty, unmusical, antisocial and downright lazy as myself – I salute you. Whilst our peers may brag about coming first in a rugby match, starring as Hamlet at the ADC or winning university challenge, we can boast about our more satisfactory accomplishments: being better rested, less smelly, safer and just generally more fun to talk to (we get it Alex, you row for first boat).