A Very Short Introduction To Sex At Cambridge

First you got in, now it’s time to get down.

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So, you’ve made it. You got the offer, you got the results, you’ve just met a bunch of new uni pals and now there’s only one thing left to do. Each other. Or have a lovely platonic bonding experience, the choice is yours.

It's safe to say Cambridge is full of unique quirks, and they don’t stop once you get to the bedroom. Whilst it isn’t mandatory to wear your gown during foreplay, there are a couple of extra surprises you may not expect from any other university. But do not fear, dear freshers, for below is the absolutely-not-in any-way-comprehensive-I'm-not-responsible-if-you-get-pregnant reading list you'll need for an education in fornication here in the bubble.

Cambridge Accommodation has a vendetta against getting you laid.

From single beds to paper thin walls, the ancient buildings which we’re so blessed to call home seem to have been designed with a single purpose in mind – making sex as inconvenient as possible. Single beds can be avoided if you choose partners tactically – a Downing graft can be a fantastic long term investment if you value your 8 hours. As for us mere mortals stuck with single beds, my only advice is adapt to survive. Or learn to kick people out once the sex is over (brutal).

Thin walls may not be an issue everywhere, and if not feel free to scream and shout and let it all out during the deed. However, most aren’t so lucky and being aware that your neighbour can hear you fuck and cry (hopefully not at once) isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac. Don’t worry, by week three your personal boundaries will be lowered and overhearing your mates shag will become a great team bonding exercise. Genuinely. This is how I made one of my best friends. In the mean time, invest in some good headphones and pray.

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"Pssst! Did you hear what was going on inside me last night?"

The college walls have ears and can hear you bang. And they will talk about it.

Cambridge is not immune to all the charms of a small town – specifically the charm that means everyone knows everyone else’s business. The collegiate system only strengthens this so get ready for some… tight knit communities.

This also means constantly bumping into people you know, from crushes to one night stands. Midway through your Sainsbury's shop, on nights out, during a tinder date – nowhere is safe. Luckily we are all in the same (very small) boat so the awkwardness will become pretty chill pretty fast. You will survive, I promise. And it will likely make a good (if not slightly painful) story to tell during pres.

Be prepared to hike for your sexual health.

By now you may have heard jokes about Girton’s unfortunate distance – but if a far out college is a joke then a far away clinic is a flat out injustice. You’ll need to crack out the walking boots to head over to Limetree. If anything can deter you from not using condoms, the thought of walking all that way for an STI test should do the trick. (Still get tested every 6 months though – even if it means forking out on an Uber). Some GPs may take pity and let you do the test there to save the hike. Not all heroes wear capes.

Let's be honest, everyone at this university is slightly terrified of the real world and feels like they’re stumbling through life – sex life included. Cambridge is home to all sorts of people with different backgrounds and experiences, it honestly does not matter if you’ve never kissed someone before (and have no intentions of doing so) or are a fully qualified, licensed dominatrix. Do you, do who you want to, and be respectful and communicative. Listen to the advice given during freshers' week – ESPECIALLY the consent workshops.

Oh, and use condoms. They’re often free from your JCR, and no one wants a herpes outbreak during freshers'.