The Fuck-it List
Your May Week challenge
The TabWhat do you really want to get out of your degree at Cambridge?
Is it a Blue? A First? Do you have ambitions of being Editor of The Tab? President of your JCR?
For some of us, true fulfilment actually lies in managing to do the deed in the most Cambridge locations there are, from the iconic to the niche.
To help you in the pursuit of this goal, The Tab has compiled a bucket list of prime locations for you to get it on: The Fuck-it List. Go forth and conquer.
1. In a punt
Sometimes you just need to know how to use a pole
Keep it private by heading towards Granchester, or rock the boat by navigating the backs. Always a pleasant, if slightly unsteady, ride.
2. Midsummer common
Afternoon delight
Bonus points if its with a rower, pre/post outing.
3. Orgasm bridge
Dem curves
The clue is in the name. Sure to be a TITilating experience.
4. Plodge
You can pigeon my hole any day (too crude? I'm sorry)
What better way to sweep someone off their feet than carrying them over the college threshold. Don’t get portered.
5. Your college library
Kama Sutra level
We all spend so much time there anyway, this one may just become a necessity rather than a challenge.
6. Emma pool/pond
Maybe don't attempt at 3:47 PM
‘Sun, Sex and Suspicious Porters’ is the vibe we’re going for with this location. If you want your experience to be slightly less glam and slightly more challenging, brave the ducks and disturbingly large fish and opt for the pond instead (ask the Tit Hall drinking society boys for tips).
7. Spoons
Taking spooning to the extreme
Have a Danger Pre before a Danger Bang at Danger Spoons. Brave.
8. Girton
Flirtin' with Girton
We included this for the more dedicated among you. If you’ve got the stamina to make it all the way to Girton, you’re in for a good night.
9. The UL
Known for its phallic connotations
The UL lends itself to sneaky activity; it’s easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and shelves. Just make sure you don’t interrupt a finalist’s 5-minute crying break.
10. King’s chapel
A religious experience
Is this blasphemy?
11. Mainsbury’s
One of your 5-a-day
An option with something for everyone; it’s up to you which aisle to go for. For the uninitiated, start with the alcohol aisle tucked away at the back, or if you want some extra adrenaline opt for the dairy aisle, which has the added bonus of keeping you cool throughout.
Disclaimer: The Tab will not be held responsible for any arrests for indecent exposure.
Leah Whiting
Exam era: Reasons to be optimistic in Cambridge’s Easter term
Iris RogersEaster is a unique term for lots of reasons outside of exams
Deal breaker: The Easter term exam-fuelled breakup phenomenon
What on earth is going on with couples in Cam…
‘Maybe try a different course’: Ranking Cambridge University lecturers’ brutal comments
Esther KnowlesNo wonder Cambridge students always look stressed
Quiz: Find out where you’d sit in the Cambridge University college boat club eight
Freya WattsYou go to Cambridge and don’t row? How else do you spend your free time?
Cambridge University college to install climbing wall inside 150 year old church tower
Pembroke has already converted the church on Trumpington Street into an auditorium
Cambridge University to ban use of the term ‘Oxbridge’ due to elitist connotations
Anyone caught using the word will be forced to undertake a mandatory ‘inclusivity training’
St John’s College Cambridge now has control over the SJV choir’s social media
The petition to save the mixed choir is supported by the former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams
Cambridge University temporarily halts funding from fossil fuel companies
A report found that donations from oil and gas companies posed a ‘high reputational risk’ for the university
Eight cafés to try in Cambridge as a student before you graduate from university
Lucy BarberSpoiler alert: Fitzbillies isn’t the only coffee shop in Cambridge
St John’s College Cambridge mixed choir is being disbanded
The decision means female sopranos will no longer be able to sing in any chapel services
Cambridge University colleges as songs with women’s names in the title
Ellen HawleyGet ready to update your playlist immediately x
Cambridge men lose on penalties at the 150th anniversary of Varsity football
Cambridge was forced to substitute its goalkeeper following an injury on the third minute
THE RESULTS: Cambridge vs Oxford women’s football 2024
A short summary of the Varsity match for those of you who know nothing about football
Cambridge’s smallest pub has reopened after four years
Here’s everything you need to know about The Rad, a tiny pub on King Street
Review: Blackadder Goes Forth – Cambridge Does Comic Relief
Sophie PetrieA performance that did justice to the much-loved British comedy
Paint thrown over Cambridge University West site building in protest of its ties to Israel
Cambridge’s Laboratory for Scientific Computing has been under fire for its links to arms companies
A moral alignment ranking of Cambridge college rowing blade designs
Totally objective (based on free speed and vibez)
A definitive ranking of Cambridge stash from ugly to just about wearable
April O'NeillIt’s me and my puffer against the world
Here’s where else to watch the Outer Banks cast while you wait patiently for season four
Emily SmithFilling the major Pogue shaped hole in my life rn
Phoebe Kowhai
Everything Natalie and Collins have been up to since their disastrous time on MAFS Australia
Harrison BrocklehurstIf I had to hear about Collins discussing OnlyFans, you do too
Everything Richard Gadd has said about Jessica Gunning’s captivating Baby Reindeer performance
Francesca Eke‘It lived and died on Martha and we couldn’t have been luckier’
Okay, so what happens next in the Ellie and Jono cheating saga on MAFS Australia 2024?
Ellie RingJono becomes public enemy number one
The 10 best songs on Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department, according to streams
Justice for So High School!!!
Jess reveals she and Callum ‘no longer speak’ after he did something ‘unforgiveable’ to her
‘I wouldn’t say he’s a friend’
Hi Barbie! Meet the student who has written her entire dissertation on the Barbie movie
Not her supervisor’s name being Ken!
Holidays and moving in together: Inside Tom and Molly’s adorable post Love Island life
They’re actually too wholesome
Baby Reindeer’s Jessica Gunning has spoken out about people trying to find the real Martha
‘I think it’s a real, real shame, because it shows that they haven’t watched the show properly’
‘Taylor Swift pub’ The Black Dog staff have spoken out about chaotic week mobbed by Swifties
‘We’ve got a Swift half pint on the menu, which people can get for free if they sing a Taylor lyric’
Kim Kardashian is ‘over’ Taylor Swift feud and ‘thinks Taylor should move on’ after new song
Taylor’s new album features a song called ‘thanK you aIMee’ which is believed to be a massive dig at Kim
From tattoos to moving in together: What are Tori and Jack up to after MAFS Australia 2024?
They’re in their own little bubble
More lies Jack from MAFS Australia has been telling his ex have surfaced and it’s chaos
‘He’s only staying with Tori because he’s backed into a corner’
Ben slams Ellie for being ‘vindictive’ on MAFS and claims she’s with Jono for ‘publicity’
‘She always played the victim’
Cast member Ben claims MAFS Australia 2024 producers mocked and ‘criticised’ his ADHD
‘I didn’t sign up to be taken advantage of through my mental health’
A look inside the wholesome life of Jessica Gunning who carried Baby Reindeer as Martha
I can’t believe she’s not actually Scottish
No ifs, no buts: These are the absolute WORST episodes of Black Mirror ever
Black Mirror episode idea: Me being forced to watch these on loop