News Column Week 4: Summer Scorchers, Medwards Male Mayhem and more ducking ducks
News so hot you’re gonna get burned
Some say there's no smoke without fire and we at the Tab believe there's no fire without juicy Cantab goss.
Set Fire to the Law Fac – Adele
At the sizzling hour of 11am on a scorching Saturday students at Sidgewick's least ugly building (Law Fac) were alarmed to discover the building was ablaze. Despite protests from students who would rather get burnt revising than live in ignorance, the building was evacuated by safety-conscious librarians (god dammit health and safety). This is on top of the fire that occurred last week on King's Parade which resulted in a fire engine vrooming through Cambridge's busy streets. Whatever next?
JCR News Roundup
College JCRs have been at it again, reacting to all the recent developments in the Grudgebridge saga with a collection of well written and punctuated emails. This week John's and Fitz reacted to allegations made on the Grudgebridge Facebook page in order to reach out to any students affected by drinking societies. One college JCR member even attempted to boot drinking society members off their college JCR, but the motion was immediately silenced. Quelle surprise I wonder why?
4'33'' in the Library
There has recently been a spate of bibliophile madness enveloping Cambridge as libraries become zones of terror under despotism and tyranny. No cause has been found for this recent uptick in librarian aggression however, last week the Tab reported on an incident of public shaming in the Pembroke library. Tensions have escalated as this contagion of vituperative lividity has reached breaking point in Medwards where male students were forcibly ejected from their study in Cambridge's most domed college. Due to a lack of study space the librarians used their authoritative, yet still thoroughly inside voices, to usher all men out of Medwards and back to where they came from.
A student, who would rather not be named, (and definitely doesn't work for The Tab), was similarly singed by the roaring wrath of librarians this week as his teapot was binned. We are not at liberty to speak further on this traumatic occurrence in the Emma library, however if you have been affected by similar events please contact the Tab for condolence/material for our next column.
The Hunger Games + A Song of Ice (CREAM) and fire
In the Zero Carbon Society's latest protest, three students have gone on hunger strike which in an interesting move coincided with the start of Ramadan. The hunger strike is also reported to attempt to continue until 2020 which seems an unwise decision and we would advise anyone thinking of similarly committing to the carbon effort to take a less forceful approach. Possibly something that doesn't involve starvation. On the other end of the spectrum, John's has been tantalising its students with unlimited creamy gelato goodness, 4 flavours, mucho fun.
In an unprecedented move for the Tab, we are going to go David Attenborough and discuss college wildlife. Good news, the ducks of death at Homerton are indeed not all dead as previously thought. We hope all the surviving ducks a happy life with much frivolity and prosperity.
Fake News Story of the Week: Cambridge divests from Everything
In the wake of the recent divestment movement, the university has decided to divest from not only fossil fuels, but also our education and now refuses to fund it. From now on the average Cantab will have to fork out £100,000 per year to finance their degree as the university has chosen to instead spend all its money on excessive welfare events. Newest ideas include: giving every Cantab an emotional support Komodo dragon; turning the Cam into an all-weather aquatic day centre for homeless goslings or providing constant screening of The Story of Tracy Beaker.
This week Flora was informed that being on her college JCR and writing for the Tab gave her have a conflict of interest. Nobody has ever paid her such a compliment before and she is looking forward to (not) exploiting it. Her college father, and fellow Tab hack Danny Wittenberg, is looking for flat mate in Brussels; he describes himself as 'flaneur en dehors, banter indoors'. Form an orderly queue for applications, Cantabs.
Henry dropped himself from his modelling agency and so his two week stint as a supermodel is now sadly over. His bedder also told him never to buy a pet as he can't even look after his houseplants: Mildred, Agatha, Verity, Myrtle and Ethel.