I tried Brie-ing: Dropping MDMA with soft cheese before a big night out
Middle-aged mums are popping pills with cheese, so I found whether it was worth the hype
Recent reports of middle-aged, middle-class mums sampling MDMA with brie cheese have been hitting the news recently. Apparently, according to Metro, mums and their pals don't sniff mandy, or swallow it in a bomb like a normal person, but instead decide to shove it in to some soft cheese and get high that way.
So, as a student who dabbles with Class As, I decided to give this gloriously bouji practice a go in the most middle class setting possible: Cambridge University during the Royal Wedding.
Firstly I popped into Sainsbury’s to pick my cheese. I flirted with Stilton in case I’d get a bit of an extra kick, but ultimately played it safe and went for a classic brie, the choice favoured by the mums.
I thought the prospect of eating it just sounded grim. The cumulative effect of a night of frenetic dancing, smoking enough cigs to kill Keith Richards and Class A drug consumption tucked in some French brie, all combined with a sunny day and chirping birds gives the impression that the universe utterly and truly despises you.
And the last thing you want to do whilst on mandy is eat, and the mere thought of consuming something as thick and pungent as brie during a drop was stomach churning.
Regardless, at 12PM myself and a group of highly important aides (thanks lads) sat down, cracked out the brie, got note pads ready and propped up a laptop with the royal wedding. The method I chose to consume my mandy was by squidging a bomb into the cheesy goo, then I popped it down the hatch and waited.
I was surprised at how long it took me to know I was coming up. In clubs if the vibe is right it can take as little as 15 minutes until you feel the rush from MDMA. But on this occasion, despite a few false starts when I said weird shit under the placebo effect – mainly obscure critiques of Camilla's hat – it took around a full 45 minutes to come up.
Even then it was weird. Normally when you come up it's time to start boogie-ing like a madman to something heavy, but this time all I could do was gurn at a telly and wiggle my feet whilst sitting down.
The cheese didn't really do anything for it either. Some of my friends wondered if brie and mandy would cause some bizarre, dairy induced hallucinations. But really it just played the same role as water or spit does in getting a bomb safely down your gullet.
The come up also seemed to only last a short while too, which was a bit shit to say I only pinged for 20 or so minutes after waiting 3/4 of an hour to come up. Whilst I was pinging it wasn't necessarily bad, but as MDMA is so physical even though I was chatty and getting smoking-area-whilst-pinging vibes, it felt a bit rubbish just sitting down and talking to people about a wedding. The come down was pretty mild too, I didn't feel overly depressed or haggard like you would do after a big night out. Instead I just felt utterly fatigued and was seconds away from going to bed at 2:30PM.
So, to ensure I didn't just crash out I dragged my effective babysitters who'd been observing my weird daytime drop on an aesthetic walk along the Backs in Cambridge. It was only whilst walking in an environment that actually had loads of people walking and talking, as well as seeing things besides a TV that I realised I hadn't actually started coming down as much as I thought I had.
I probably scared a good few passers by as a clammy figure in shades with a gurn walked past innocent tourists going about their business, but this is something very circumstantial I doubt many other people who (for whatever reason) fancy trying this will end up going on a scenic gurn on the river Cam.
You've probably guessed from this article that I'm not too fussed about brie-ing and have no clue why mums are doing it. If mums are really so interested in trying party drugs I volunteer to personally take Shannon, Debby, Patricia and Sarah to a woodland rave and if they still want to take their mandy with brie, that's fair.
They're welcome to try port and pingers, heroin and Hobnobs or coke and camembert whilst they're at it if their hearts so desire. But I wouldn't recommend traditional brie-ing. Pinging in a non-club based environment may have appealed to women in their 40s/50s, but if they're serious about taking ecstasy they really ought to just go on a big night out. To conclude: brie-ing isn't worth the hype.