Cambridge COMES Second

D.H. Lawrence once said that 'in masturbation there is nothing but loss'. He must've had a recent Ann Summers study on student sex toy spending habits in mind, because he is absolutely right.

You might need a tissue for this one, it's a touchy subject.

For us Cantabs, masturbation has caused nothing but a loss of funds – £9,410 to be precise – and a loss of the first place crown to none other than Oxford. GDBO, amirite?

HEY BIG SPENDER, speeeeend a little (sexy) time on me. (NUS)

According to the website, most of these 'shopping sessions' occur after 10pm, which probably explains why Cambridge doesn't even make the cut for top ten 'biggest browsers' of the Ann Summers website. Probably still in the library, or something. Try again at 3am, when crippling loneliness reaches its climax.

Oxford, on the other hand also tops this list. Perhaps they're a little too submissive to the choice on offer. Just call us Christian Grey and allow us to take the lead. Our tastes are very singular. And by singular I mean the rose gold pebble vibrator.

Which college is your product? (Ann Summers)

One thing they can't knock us for is our determination, our spirit, our…stamina. So if you happen to find Matilda from next door drowning under a mountain of rose gold pebble vibrators (now on sale for the low low price of £12), twirling a Kiri Plunge Bra off of every finger like a helicopter, rest assured this is for competitive purposes only. As you were, Matilda.

Hey Oxford, how about we spice things up for 2018's chart. We'll go on top this time.